Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Roomba just beat me to a Cheeto I dropped on the flow & this is how the war against machines begins.

   Tom Brady: So I said, "It isn't flat" and they were like, "yes it is" and I'm like, "no its not" Christopher Columbus: "I hear ya, man!"

   My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.

   Blockbuster Idea: "Dancing with the Stars", but with stars.

   Makeup sex is awkward because my boyfriends puts on too much eye liner and his lipstick makes him look like a hooker.

   They don't make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.

   Tom Brady should be forced to spend those 4 games at a Children's Hospital blowing up balloon animals.

   if you don't want me to stare at your breasts, you shouldn't have such nice ones.

   I hope you enjoyed our orgy; please come again.

   I'd better go, this work isn't going to pretend to do itself.

   if anyone needs a hand with their kegel exercises, let me know.

   This is the last time I lie down naked on the subway tracks during rush hour. I hate when people are complaining for nothing

   People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"

   How come the official that handles the ball on every single play didn't notice they were under inflated??

   Maybe if Brady's wife gave him half heared BJ's, he would understand the depth of his cheating.

   See kids, cheaters DO win!

   BREAKING NEWS: Handsome rich man from New England forced to take 4 week vacation with Super Model Wife...Nations Weep...

   This airline stewardess is pretty excited that we are all paying attention while she shows us how to fasten a seat belt, but I am pretty sure we are all just thinking about banging her.

   Bill Belichick will still list Brady as "questionable" on the injury report for the first 4 games of next season.

   With summer in full swing and Father's Day just 41 days away, CVS in Baltimore has all of your sunscreen and Father's Day card needs covered.