Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.

   "After the Thrill is Gone" is my favorite song about married sex.

   Girls who say "alot of guys are after me" should keep in mind that low prices attract many customers.

   I never use my phone as a phone. Not because I don't like talking, I just never forgave them for all the times they kicked me off the internet.

   How you get almond milk? Almonds ain't got no nipples!

   My go-to office prank is to go onto someone's unattended Facbook page and post "I'm undecided, which should I get, Android or iPhone"

   I just walked into a spider web and now I know all of Katy Perry's dance moves.

   Learn how to spell.

   why do elephants have four feet? Because six and a half inches just ain't long enough

   why don't dentist offer 50 percent discounts to meth heads just to gum up business

   The difference between drinking on Saint Patricks Day and drinking on Cinco De Mayo is... ...nobody pretends to be a Mexican.

   OK ladies; for the last time, stop the birthday month crap. You get one day, not a whole month you greedy b****es.

   Everyone wants to be Mexican for today Cinco De Mayo.. But nobody wants to work like Juan

   I don't need to know how to read Chinese to know that your neck tatoo says "I earn minimum wage"

   I just accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD and it says I have Gary Busey.

   Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.

   Damn gurl... Are you left over pizza from Saturday night because I was going to get rid of you but now that I'm drunk ur all I can think about.

   It’s only every seven years that you get to celebrate Taco Tuesday and Cinco De Mayo on the same day.

   Since building the 6 million dollar man in the 70s, he's depreciated in value so much over time he's now known as 50cent.

   I'm no magician, but they've never found the bodies I made disappear.