Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Tom Brady: So I said, "It isn't flat" and they were like, "yes it is" and I'm like, "no its not" Christopher Columbus: "I hear ya, man!"
←Rate | 05-12-2015 11:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.
←Rate | 05-12-2015 11:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Blockbuster Idea: "Dancing with the Stars", but with stars.
←Rate | 05-12-2015 11:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Makeup sex is awkward because my boyfriends puts on too much eye liner and his lipstick makes him look like a hooker.
←Rate | 05-12-2015 11:49 Comments (0)  


   messageicon They don't make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.
←Rate | 05-12-2015 11:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Tom Brady should be forced to spend those 4 games at a Children's Hospital blowing up balloon animals.
←Rate | 05-12-2015 11:21 by @gnarleycharley Comments (0)  


   messageicon if you don't want me to stare at your breasts, you shouldn't have such nice ones.
←Rate | 05-12-2015 10:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hope you enjoyed our orgy; please come again.
←Rate | 05-12-2015 10:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'd better go, this work isn't going to pretend to do itself.
←Rate | 05-12-2015 10:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon if anyone needs a hand with their kegel exercises, let me know.
←Rate | 05-12-2015 10:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon This is the last time I lie down naked on the subway tracks during rush hour. I hate when people are complaining for nothing
←Rate | 05-12-2015 07:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
←Rate | 05-12-2015 05:07 by huck Comments (0)  


   messageicon How come the official that handles the ball on every single play didn't notice they were under inflated??
←Rate | 05-11-2015 20:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Maybe if Brady's wife gave him half heared BJ's, he would understand the depth of his cheating.
←Rate | 05-11-2015 20:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon See kids, cheaters DO win!
←Rate | 05-11-2015 19:27 Comments (1)  


   messageicon BREAKING NEWS: Handsome rich man from New England forced to take 4 week vacation with Super Model Wife...Nations Weep...
←Rate | 05-11-2015 19:08 by migasjoe Comments (0)  


   messageicon This airline stewardess is pretty excited that we are all paying attention while she shows us how to fasten a seat belt, but I am pretty sure we are all just thinking about banging her.
←Rate | 05-11-2015 18:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Bill Belichick will still list Brady as "questionable" on the injury report for the first 4 games of next season.
←Rate | 05-11-2015 18:08 Comments (1)  


   messageicon With summer in full swing and Father's Day just 41 days away, CVS in Baltimore has all of your sunscreen and Father's Day card needs covered.
←Rate | 05-11-2015 17:45 by John Y Comments (0)  


   messageicon A friend who just returned from a visit to the recently looted CVS in Baltimore said all that was left in the entire store was suntan lotion and Father's Day cards...
←Rate | 05-11-2015 17:21 Comments (2)  




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