Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you could be any kind of salad you want, what kind of bacon cheeseburger would you be?

   Step ladders are just like regular ladders except they don't love you as much.

   *Batteries die in TV remote for first time in 6 years* "Useless piece of crap"

   PLOT TWIST: You snooze.... You win! Because naps are freaking awesome.

   I'm so sorry for you loss. Is there anything I can do for you from my phone?

   Its admirable that you want to be an organ donor, but there may be a less painful way of doing than driving in my blind spot.

   I bought a rug from IKEA that ended up being just a needle and 50 lbs. of thread.

   I stole every word of this status from a dictionary.

   "I got my cat fixed" "Is it a dog now?"

   Why do people write on dead peoples Facebook walls? I don't get it.

   Birdman won the Oscar for Best Picture ... for some reason Kanye thought it should have gone to Beyonce

   “Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop” to become a dev!l . Restraining order is on the way too.

   Between Bruce Jenner and the Kardashians, they should all be court ordered to go to driving school.

   At 7-11 and the cashier rings my bottle of water up and asked me if I would like a bag to go with that? I asked her if she had anything good? We laughed and laughed...

   BREAKING NEWS: The Groundhog is wanted in 25 states stretching from the east coast!~

   When life throws you a curveball, try to duck so it hits someone else.

   NASCAR went with Toyota as a pace car...wanted them to see how it felt to be out front!

   I'm giving up abbreviations for Lent. Laugh Out Loud

   Sorry I hung up on you, I didn't mean to answer the call.

   This Fall...Bruce Jenner, Kim Kardashian, North Kardashian West, Khloe Kardashian & Kylie Jenner star in "The Kar-Crashians" only on E!