Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not drunk, I just feel better.

   Want to know the best way to make friends? Tell a woman you love her and she will say "I think we're just friends"

   I've been single for so long, I'm this close to buying more cats.

   If you had a good time, the best time of your life and you don't post it on social media, did it really happen?

   I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

   Its like my liver has no idea what's about to happen.

   RoGhetto Stone is fo da hood, yo.

   Girl just told me her roommate sits around watching Netflix all day and never goes out and now I kinda want to meet her

   Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

   Rosetta Stone but for the THINGS I say when I'm drunk

   I'm sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they've won the Canadian lottery.

   A cactus is really just an aggressive cucumber.

   That moment when you flex your foot wrong and it cramps, and you think “This is it…this is how it ends.”

   Tetris taught me that when you try to fit in you’ll disappear.

   Doctors only gave me three more months to live la vida loca

   My weekend mood fluctuates between “better get the lawn mowed before it rains” and “Hurry up and rain so I can’t mow the lawn.”

   I watch the Disney Channel, to get a sneak peek of Maxim's line up in five year.

   Last week, I had an update so bad,,, Nicolas Cage got cast in a movie about it.

   I’ve been training my facial muscles to do the nose twitch from 'Bewitched', and just had a huge breakthrough with the right nostril. Big day.

   Walked into a public washroom and it sounded like someone was power-lifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.