Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We're weird creatures; we don't tolerate liars and won't tolerate truth either.

   My G.F. has a pair of 'meatloaf' panties. On the front, it says 'I would do anything for love' On the back it says 'but I wont do that.'

   Don't think you're immune. We're all just a whim away from singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." Yes, a whim away...a whim away...a whim away.

   I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met Andy's mom's toys.. Especially since they probably have the same names ..

   Why can't my camera take the same picture I see when I look in the mirror?

   eating something immediately after brushing your teeth must be part of the things you do during recruitment as a terrorist.

   This tampon tastes like I should have asked a couple more questions.

   "Hey Sally, selling seashells directly on the seashore is the dumbest effing business idea ever" ~ Sally's friends probably.

   Not many people know this but the work "Karate" is an old Chinese word that means, "My kid can't hit a baseball"

   Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I'm never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.

   Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.

   Some of my best wishes have come true by throwing people down a well.

   Women with horses are just crazy cat ladies, but richer.

   She sells sea shells down by the sea shore. She is broke AF.

   How to tell if your kid is doing drugs: Are your drugs missing?

   My house was once haunted by a poltergeist so I walked around naked for a week and it never came back...

   You guys wanna know why my wife and I have such a great relationship? Its because I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.

   Stop planking gramma, that's not even a thing anymore. .....Gramma????

   I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.

   Hey girls at the gym, no need for the makeup and hair do's. He's not looking at your face.