Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't understand why guys are always wanting their girl to make them a sandwich after sex.... I'd just be happy if they gave me my money back.

   The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.

   Swift Justice is just like regular Justice except it will write a song about you when you break up.

   I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.

   My wife and I have been married so long that I no longer think about other women when we have sex, I think about pizza.

   There are three gurantees in life. Death, Taxes, and elbow macaroni stays in your cabinet until you move.

   FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.

   My dinner just consited of beer and trail mix. Being an adult isn't for everyone.

   Like a good neighbor..... Me and Meyham from Allstate threw a party in your house because you bragged all about your vacation on Facebook.

   It never fails.... I wash my car and the very next day I hit a pedestrian.

   My heart says "No", but my erection says, "Shut the hell up, Heart"

   I asked my masseur for a happy ending. She made me a ballon animal and painted my face like Spiderman.

   ME: "Boss, I can't come in today. I have a bad case of" *puts hand over phone* -what was it again? DAUGHTER: "Boogerits" *to phone* its boogerits"

   "Mr Potter, you are now qualified to be a magical janitor" *Harry Potter And The Order of The University of Phoenix*

   I told my wife I wanted a threesome, and now there is a pizza in my bed. Its stuff like that that got her wifed.

   "You the bomb!" "No you the bomb!" -a complement in America; an argument in the Middle East.

   Dear Winter: SMA!!

   I know one day my life may be changed by the man who spends his nights spray painting "Jesus Saves Repent" signs on plywood and places them on the Interstate.

   My wife's superpower is : jumping to the worst conclusion possible and worrying about that thing for hours

   My daughter answered every one of Dora's questions wrong and Dora still said, "good answer!". Good to see Mexico's education system is still on track.