Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We're told constantly to follow our dreams. Well, my dream is to thwart every single other human's dream.

   I have come to the conclusion that I need more whipped cream in my life.

   Have sex with someone who loves your soul more than your body and you'll climax every time.

   The best part about being Canadian is that if we can get close enough to a beaver we are allowed to pet it. It's the law. It's in the constitution.

   Lately, to be a true rebel,,,, you have to have zero tattoos.

   My cat is always licking the carpet in my house. I think she's a lesbian.

   Do race horses really pee more than the regular kind?

   We don't have to have sex, let's just see if it fits.

   So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?

   "Sorry, her mother is a pterodactyl" ..... *Me with the screeching toddler in the grocery store.

   I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN! - A liver's battle cry

   My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I'm at the gym or if I'm at Wal-Mart

   Before Facebook I used to have a life. Now I can't even remember the name of my two... no wait, sorry, three kids.

   The fact that Gordon Ramsay hasn't been gutted yet is all the proof I need to know that his show is staged.

   I've been single so long now I don't remember what it's like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn't even know it did!

   That FIFA 16 is realistic. Mine arrived in a plain brown envelope.

   The campaign to stop male rappers disrespecting women is known as 'Femineminism'.

   Breaking news: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

   Sorry the ice melted in the drink I made for you but I thought you knew how to drink.

   L.A. unions push for 15 dollar an hour minimum wage. Now that it's here, L.A. unions ask the city to exclude union companies from 15 dollar minimum wage... Because the union cares about its workers!!!