Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1600 of 6446

Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
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05-15-2015 09:25
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Sometimes I squat on the floor, wrap my arms around my knees, and lean forward... because that's how I roll.
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05-15-2015 08:11
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Do people who run marathons not know about cocaine?
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05-15-2015 07:48
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needs a woman to give me Blue balls to celebrate BB Kings life...
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05-15-2015 06:31 by Twangy
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You know the relationship is over when you have to buy your stuff back from a garage sale...
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05-15-2015 04:20 by Nipper
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Today is the day that the Blues was made for. Thank you B.B. (Blues Boy) King for everything.
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05-15-2015 04:11 by DeeX
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♪♫ " The thrill is gone...."♪♫ Rest in peace BB King. Although many are singing the blues at the news of your death, I'm sure Heaven is singin' ♪♫" Let the Good Times Roll"...
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05-15-2015 04:08
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Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.
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05-14-2015 21:55 by BEGO
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I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won’t have to talk to them.
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05-14-2015 21:55 by BEGO
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Don’t you wish karma was like pizza and could be delivered in under 30 minutes?
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05-14-2015 21:53 by BEGO
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Etiquette question: If you have a co-worker who desperately needs a nose haor trimmer, do you just anonymously leave one on their desk, or do you tell her about it?
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05-14-2015 20:24
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Obama has driven me to a financial status that I can't tip delivery drivers if there's is a delivery charge anymore. Sorry guys, but minimum wage should be $10/hr soon so you'll be fine.
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05-14-2015 20:13
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I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I've killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
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05-14-2015 20:09 by snotty
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Every time I see someone with drawn on eyebrows, I want to ask them if the carpet matches the curtains
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05-14-2015 20:05 by snotty
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"Blinded By The Light" is my favorite song about what happens to people when I take my shirt off outside for the first time each year.
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05-14-2015 18:50 by snotty
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Just called the bank for my account info,, and a voice whispered 'If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.'
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05-14-2015 18:18 by snotty
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My wife says she's not cumin home because she doesn't have thyme for my spice puns any more. I mustard upset her.
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05-14-2015 15:23
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I feel sadly left out knowing that I'm one of the few people in this country who hasn't shot or been shot at by George Zimmerman.
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05-14-2015 15:22
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Bruce Jenner is my least favoritte Transformer.
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05-14-2015 14:27
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Judge: State your name. Me: Not Guilty. Judge: What? Me: I had my name changed to Not Guilty. Judge: You're Not Guilty? Me: *Moonwalks outta there*
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05-14-2015 14:26
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