Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Making fun of dinosaurs to a paleontologist is a great way to get jurasskicked.

   Her: Who's your favorite Kardashian? Me: Uummm...Gul Dukat.

   Pro tip: Always tell anyone who calls you that your phone is about to die. This way they get straight to the point and won't waste your time.

   Irony: When a stipper says she is not being treated like a lady.

   guys, big red flag when a girl only life accomplishment is being a mom.

   Are you a cigarette? Cause you got a hot butt !

   "I must make this movie" -- Nic Cage reading a menu

   Sometimes when I drink, I start thinking about kids and a family. I might have a drinking problem

   Dear women, We don't speak 'hint'. Yours truly, Men

   They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but they also say revenge is sweet. I think what they're trying to say is revenge is ice cream

   You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.

   Have you tried sitting on the bench? - my life coach

   Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.

   The recipe called for a hint of sea salt, unfounded rumors of rosemary, open threats of thyme, an unauthorized search and seizure of pepper.

   Dance like no one is watching. Because they're not. They're all checking their phones.

   I'm taking up photography because it's the only hobby where I can shoot people and cut off their heads without going to jail.

   Yea, the Duggars. You spit out that many kids, 1 or 2 are bound to be defective.

   Pac Man turned 35 today. Pretty sure he can expect some birthday head from Ms. Pac Man, although I am not sure how that would work.

   I'm a second hand vegetarian... cows eat grass and I eat cows.

   "19 Kids and Counting". The name of a show or the number of kids Josh has fondled? The Catholics would say he isn't even close to becoming a Priest yet.