Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Do you have a jelly fish sting?" "Do YOU have a jelly fish sting?" "Do YOU have a jelly fish sting" ~ R. Kelly at the beach.

   My life is a very complicated drinking game.

   Just got mad at work and smashed my face into my keyboard. Looks like I wrote a new Kanye West song.

   I hate it when you are singing along to a song and the singer gets the words wrong.

   I don't always text and drive but when I do, its because I have to share a really funny Tweet I just read to Facebook.

   Someday my kids will find my Twitter account and finally understand why we can't have nice things.

   Who called it "camel toe" and not... oh wait, "camel toe" was there perfect thing to call it. Good job dude who called it camel toe.

   My wife just decided she will no longer be putting anything unhealthy into her body. Time for me to turn the clothes hanger back into a treadmill.

   Going through a bunch of cute pictures of my kids to remind me why I don't keep them locked in the basement.

   I thought the Mayweather-Pacquio fight was big unti just now when my wife opened the cable bill and saw I paid $100 to watch it.

   Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"

   Sometimes I squat on the floor, wrap my arms around my knees, and lean forward... because that's how I roll.

   Do people who run marathons not know about cocaine?

   needs a woman to give me Blue balls to celebrate BB Kings life...

   You know the relationship is over when you have to buy your stuff back from a garage sale...

   Today is the day that the Blues was made for. Thank you B.B. (Blues Boy) King for everything.

   ♪♫ " The thrill is gone...."♪♫ Rest in peace BB King. Although many are singing the blues at the news of your death, I'm sure Heaven is singin' ♪♫" Let the Good Times Roll"...

   Stop asking why I’m still single. I don’t ask how you’re still married.

   I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won’t have to talk to them.

   Don’t you wish karma was like pizza and could be delivered in under 30 minutes?