Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   High heels are sexy, but only if you don't walk in them like you are a newborn foal.

   Another dissapointing day getting to work and not finding a smoldering crater where the building used to stand.

   I'm so broke I can't even pay attention, buy time, or change my mind.

   Why is it parents these days are more afraid of gluten than they are of vaccinations?

   Got an e-mail today from a “bored housewife 32, looking for some action!” I sent her my ironing, that’ll keep the b****h busy.

   don't worry when you see your ex with someone else, because your parents taught you to give your old toys to the less fortunate

   X says “B*tch don't kill my vibe” – me every time I see a post about that dress or the black coffee jokes.

   I wonder if every country has ninjas, but we only know about the Japanese ones because they suck at it?

   I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?

   [Astronomy class] The next star after our sun is Proxima Centauri, at 4.2 light-years away. [Silence] Or 12 CVS reciepts away. [Class] OHHHHHH

   A little help here... Preparing for my rap battle. So far I have "I'm rubber you're glue" and a touchdown endzone dance.

   Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this bowl of cereal.

   Thank GOD everyone agrees on what color traffic lights are!

   Happy birthday to Justin Bieber. Yesterday he turned 21, which means he can be tried as an adult.

   I was taught to be nice first, because you can always be mean later, but once you've been mean to someone, they wouldn't believe the nice anymore. So be nice, be nice, until it's time to stop being nice.. then destroy them.

   Vodka and denial is still cheaper than therapy

   Apparently licking a spilled vodka on a conference room table is frown upon.

   I don't wanna make this weird but that's just kinda how I do things.

   How many times can you say "aight" before you can consider the job interview bombed.

   Patience, I'm being creepy as fast as I can.