Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   THE GENIUS OF DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME - Your child is Now standing at the bus stop in the dark, and goes to bed while it's still light outside.

   "He's bleeding out!" The physician yells, "Mr. Kool aid man we need to do a transfusion, what's your blood type?" He replies weakly "O-yeah"

   "You'll see!! THEY'LL ALL SEE!!!!" - an optometrist throwing glasses into the screaming crowd from a parade float

   Hopefully Harrison Ford replaced his divot.

   Just got a cheerio stuck between my toes while walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn't doing his part of the chores around here.

   Its Saturday evening; time to browse through facebook and be judgmental on people's posts, of which most of them are under the influence.

   Love is so sweet makes my heart beat ...My heart skip a beat

   I just saw a Koi Fish that had a white guy tattooed on it

   My deepest, darkest secret is that I put my pants on two legs at a time. I feel so alone.

   "As his plane was about to crash, the golfers on the course were heard yelling "FORD !!!!!!! "

   A cop pulled me over last night. I let him off with a warning.

   Harrison Ford was lucky. Ten yards left and he's out of bounds. That's a one shot penalty, and he'd had to retake his emergency landing.

   Our team has just recovered the black box & it would seem that Harrison Ford's earring did indeed confuse the compass & other controls.

   I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.

   I really want someone to love me unconditionally, but I really can’t afford a puppy right now.

   if I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.

   Need a half hour f quiet time? Ask her fo a selfie.

   Guess Harrison Ford didn't like my hide snakes on plane prank.....

   Those with no sense of humor have no idea how much entertainment they provide those of us that do.

   Guess Harrison Ford couldn't make the jump to Light Speed in his World War 2 vintage plane...