Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How to tell if your kid is doing drugs: Are your drugs missing?

   My house was once haunted by a poltergeist so I walked around naked for a week and it never came back...

   You guys wanna know why my wife and I have such a great relationship? Its because I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.

   Stop planking gramma, that's not even a thing anymore. .....Gramma????

   I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.

   Hey girls at the gym, no need for the makeup and hair do's. He's not looking at your face.

   My fair godmother looks an aweful lot like a bartender.

   BJ's, because sometimes its easier than cooking dinner.

   Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so I ate 4 of them.

   The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.

   For every illegal that crosses, we send 2 nigs back. Mexico will build their own wall in about 2 weeks.

   The secret to a happy marriage is knowing how to strategically hide the empties in the trash can so they have no idea how much you drank last night.

   My mom always told me television would rot my brain. But if it wasn't for commercials, I wouldn't know that 4X4 = truck.

   [sitting at table] Wife: writes number on pice of paper and slides it across. Me: Crosses out and writes new number *thermostat negotiations*

   If a vegan falls in the woods and there's nobody there to listen to them talk about being a vegan, are they still annoying?

   I didn't watch the Letterman finale because I've missed the last 17 season and didn't think I'd understand what was going on.

   My mind is telling me yes‎ But my body My body's telling me no...Me waking up for work every morning! ‎

   My life is loosely based on a true story.

   how long does it take possums to realize when one of them are actually dead?

   If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he's going to be Taken 4: Granted