Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Laundry's piled so high,,, it's eating Doritos & watching Chappelle's Show.

   Do what's right to do, not what you're told to do.

   We're told constantly to follow our dreams. Well, my dream is to thwart every single other human's dream.

   I have come to the conclusion that I need more whipped cream in my life.

   Have sex with someone who loves your soul more than your body and you'll climax every time.

   The best part about being Canadian is that if we can get close enough to a beaver we are allowed to pet it. It's the law. It's in the constitution.

   Lately, to be a true rebel,,,, you have to have zero tattoos.

   My cat is always licking the carpet in my house. I think she's a lesbian.

   Do race horses really pee more than the regular kind?

   We don't have to have sex, let's just see if it fits.

   So who the hell ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?

   "Sorry, her mother is a pterodactyl" ..... *Me with the screeching toddler in the grocery store.

   I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN! - A liver's battle cry

   My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I'm at the gym or if I'm at Wal-Mart

   Before Facebook I used to have a life. Now I can't even remember the name of my two... no wait, sorry, three kids.

   The fact that Gordon Ramsay hasn't been gutted yet is all the proof I need to know that his show is staged.

   I've been single so long now I don't remember what it's like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn't even know it did!

   That FIFA 16 is realistic. Mine arrived in a plain brown envelope.

   The campaign to stop male rappers disrespecting women is known as 'Femineminism'.

   Breaking news: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.