Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

   Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?

   Someone taught my Firby to sing Taylor Swift's song "Shake it off", who ever you are...you are pure EVIL.

   I think the hands of time have been molesting me.

   I'm so excited to not hear from you again tomorrow.

   when someone asks me how to get in shape before summer. My response will be, start 6 months ago

   The great tragedy of the cactus is that their arms are always open, eagerly anticipating the hug that will never come.

   Happy dry hump Wednesday for you singles out there. . .

   You had me at 0 mutual friends..

   No Mr. Fifty-Something Rider, clean saddle soaped leathers and a $20,000 Harley don't make you a "Biker" any more than a tutu and a pair of pointe shoes makes me a "Ballerina".

   I. Did. Not. Have. Textual. Relations. With. That. Phone!

   BREAKING NEWS: Hackers find Hillary Clinton's deleted emails. Discover they are nude selfies and commit mass suicide.

   I am passive aggressive, mostly to myself, but I think I can wait it out and it will get better.

   I looked at the guy standing next to me in the check out line and said, "At what point in your life did you decide it was okay to wear light pink socks?" He answered back, "I do one load of laundry a week, how about you?

   Picture this: Cee Lo and a T-Rex in a slap fight.

   You don’t have the right to say “the struggle is real” when your ass is still living with your parents.

   You’re dry humping my last nerve.

   You’re the “she” to my “nanigans”.

   Apparently both Bill and Hillary like private servers...

   Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.