Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery

   *Puts condoms on store counter... Clerk: Do you want a bag?... No need, she's not that ugly.

   I don't care if two dudes get married but the first time I see them doing an ED commercial, I'm out!

   Steven Tyler's face makes me believe wholeheartedly in Evolution.

   How can a species that can splice DNA, Invented the interwebs, Star Wars & went to the moon........ STILL need signs in the bathroom to wash your hands?

   What is the correct punishment for your child when they put the toilet paper roll on for bottom pulling instead of over the top? 1 week grounding? 2 weeks? Need some help here...

   For best kale smoothie: 1) Fill blender with ice 2) Place kale in trash 3) Pour rum in blender 4) Add fresh fruits 5) Blend well 6) Enjoy

   I don't have enough garbage to put out every week for them to stop in front of my house. I'm just not trashy enough.

   I hate it when your singing along with a song and the singer gets the words wrong.

   I'm not trying to brag but when I get naked and climb in the bathtub, the shower gets turned on.

   Making fun of dinosaurs to a paleontologist is a great way to get jurasskicked.

   Her: Who's your favorite Kardashian? Me: Uummm...Gul Dukat.

   Pro tip: Always tell anyone who calls you that your phone is about to die. This way they get straight to the point and won't waste your time.

   Irony: When a stipper says she is not being treated like a lady.

   guys, big red flag when a girl only life accomplishment is being a mom.

   Are you a cigarette? Cause you got a hot butt !

   "I must make this movie" -- Nic Cage reading a menu

   Sometimes when I drink, I start thinking about kids and a family. I might have a drinking problem

   Dear women, We don't speak 'hint'. Yours truly, Men

   They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but they also say revenge is sweet. I think what they're trying to say is revenge is ice cream