Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1591 of 6446

trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
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05-24-2015 22:40
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*Puts condoms on store counter... Clerk: Do you want a bag?... No need, she's not that ugly.
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05-24-2015 20:53 by snotty
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I don't care if two dudes get married but the first time I see them doing an ED commercial, I'm out!
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05-24-2015 19:14
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Steven Tyler's face makes me believe wholeheartedly in Evolution.
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05-24-2015 18:07
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How can a species that can splice DNA, Invented the interwebs, Star Wars & went to the moon........ STILL need signs in the bathroom to wash your hands?
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05-24-2015 17:38 by snotty
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What is the correct punishment for your child when they put the toilet paper roll on for bottom pulling instead of over the top? 1 week grounding? 2 weeks? Need some help here...
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05-24-2015 15:18 by Daveb1191
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For best kale smoothie: 1) Fill blender with ice 2) Place kale in trash 3) Pour rum in blender 4) Add fresh fruits 5) Blend well 6) Enjoy
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05-24-2015 14:59
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I don't have enough garbage to put out every week for them to stop in front of my house. I'm just not trashy enough.
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05-24-2015 14:56
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I hate it when your singing along with a song and the singer gets the words wrong.
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05-24-2015 14:55
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I'm not trying to brag but when I get naked and climb in the bathtub, the shower gets turned on.
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05-24-2015 14:54
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Making fun of dinosaurs to a paleontologist is a great way to get jurasskicked.
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05-24-2015 13:50
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Her: Who's your favorite Kardashian? Me: Uummm...Gul Dukat.
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05-24-2015 04:33 by Dude
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Pro tip: Always tell anyone who calls you that your phone is about to die. This way they get straight to the point and won't waste your time.

Irony: When a stipper says she is not being treated like a lady.
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05-23-2015 20:22
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guys, big red flag when a girl only life accomplishment is being a mom.
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05-23-2015 16:45
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Are you a cigarette? Cause you got a hot butt !
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05-23-2015 15:47 by HT
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"I must make this movie" -- Nic Cage reading a menu
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05-23-2015 14:46
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Sometimes when I drink, I start thinking about kids and a family. I might have a drinking problem
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05-23-2015 13:33
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Dear women, We don't speak 'hint'. Yours truly, Men
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05-23-2015 13:14
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They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but they also say revenge is sweet. I think what they're trying to say is revenge is ice cream
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05-23-2015 13:12
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