Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For best kale smoothie: 1) Fill blender with ice 2) Place kale in trash 3) Pour rum in blender 4) Add fresh fruits 5) Blend well 6) Enjoy

   I don't have enough garbage to put out every week for them to stop in front of my house. I'm just not trashy enough.

   I hate it when your singing along with a song and the singer gets the words wrong.

   I'm not trying to brag but when I get naked and climb in the bathtub, the shower gets turned on.

   Making fun of dinosaurs to a paleontologist is a great way to get jurasskicked.

   Her: Who's your favorite Kardashian? Me: Uummm...Gul Dukat.

   Pro tip: Always tell anyone who calls you that your phone is about to die. This way they get straight to the point and won't waste your time.

   Irony: When a stipper says she is not being treated like a lady.

   guys, big red flag when a girl only life accomplishment is being a mom.

   Are you a cigarette? Cause you got a hot butt !

   "I must make this movie" -- Nic Cage reading a menu

   Sometimes when I drink, I start thinking about kids and a family. I might have a drinking problem

   Dear women, We don't speak 'hint'. Yours truly, Men

   They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but they also say revenge is sweet. I think what they're trying to say is revenge is ice cream

   You can always tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.

   Have you tried sitting on the bench? - my life coach

   Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.

   The recipe called for a hint of sea salt, unfounded rumors of rosemary, open threats of thyme, an unauthorized search and seizure of pepper.

   Dance like no one is watching. Because they're not. They're all checking their phones.

   I'm taking up photography because it's the only hobby where I can shoot people and cut off their heads without going to jail.