Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When did comedian Ron White turn into an old lesbian?

   Oh, it'll do more harm than good? That's my specialty.

   I am really disappointed that Trader Joe's 2 buck Chuck is now $3.29 WTF Chuck!!

   it REALLY stereotyping when we all know it true?

   Here it is 2015 for crying out loud, and we still don't know who let the dogs out, the way to San Jose. who stopped the rain, where in the world is Carmen San Diego, what's in your wallet, or Victoria's secret.

   Life is like a rubik's cube. It only takes a few wrong turns to scramble it up, but then it takes forever to put things right.

   I hate when people ask me what I'll be doing in five years, come on guys I don't have 2020 vision.

   I had a dream last night I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.

   Hillary Clinton was reported as saying, "Ok, but I used Google voice so it was just oral text and that doesn't count"...

   I hate it when I accidentally listen to Pitbul then I have to press down the gushing wound of the person I just stabbed.

   How come I never see women act the way men do when they are acting like women?

   Would someone explain to me why I never see straight women act the same way as gay men? Come on queers, if you want to be a women, act like one, not like a fruitcake.

   How a teenage boy sees food: If there's a lot of something, he won't touch it. If the quantity is limited, he'll eat all of it.

   I don't know about you guys, but I think last nights season premier of Ferguson was pretty good.

   Hillary Clinton is easily the scariest of all the Muppets

   BOSS: I'm going to need you to get your creative juices flowing. ME: Okay, but I'm going to need to watch some porn first.

   Amazon Prime is probably the least threatening of the Transformers.

   I have this tendency of saying stupid things to pretty women, I wonder why?

   I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.

   My super power? forgeting what I’m talking about halfway through a sentence