Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Timehop is good for one thing, it's to remind me that I peaked a few years ago...

   Coffe so black it wants to start looting.

   "OMG, Have you heard the news?" "Yeah, they totally carried Huey Louis"

   Keep calm and watch me put all of your "Keep Calm" shirts in bleach.

   Your girlfriend could be dumb as anything but the minute you start arguing with her she'll turn into a lawyer with a degree from Cambridge

   Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

   Remember when there was nothing to check and no device to check it on and all you did was live your life?

   A cute thing I tell my kids is that Jurassic Park was an actual documentary shot when I was a kid and it's all true.

   Sex so good your neighbours made you a sandwich

   Of course I have a drinking problem, it cost too much.

   Well, basically you just touch her down there" - Getting To Third Base Coach

   It's crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won't keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry

   I just want to live in a world where I don't have to pay for extra cheese let alone even have to ask for it.... *my mom

   Me: So I told him he could probably get a whole fist up there if he used enough lube. She: Here's your library card ma'am.

   Kim Kardashian pregnant, said to craving publicity

   I haven't slept for 4 days... because that would be too long.

   I like to switch it up between gangsta rap and Sarah McLachlan. Will I murder you? WIll I adopt you a puppy? You dont' know.

   Imma let you finish Caitlyn, but Beyonce is the best looking tranny of all time.

   Drank enough last night to kill a horse. In other news, anyone know where I can get a new horse?

   Maybe my parents never told me how proud they were of me because they didn't have Facebook back then?