Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I joined Farmersonly.com and I've already hooked up with my sister and 2 cousins!!

   I went grocery shopping hungry and I'm now the proud owner of aisles 6, 8, 9, 12, and most of the bakery.

   Suarez must be on a diet. He didnt bite anyone..*Dissapointed*

   The human heart is amazing. It can get hurt and in a few days it ready to get out and get some more pain.

   Blind belief is so often the death of reason.

   Nobody pissed me off today... I got to get out more.

   Oh, so you're religious? *backs away slowly*

   I think a UPS truck, is like the adult version of an ice cream truck.

   Bruce Jenner wears a dress in public and Vanity Fair asks him for a photo shoot. I wear a dress in public and the police ask me for a breathalyzer.

   Hmmmm,, Texting while driving is illegal,,, but you can go ahead and eat a burrito while putting on mascara?

   Be careful,,, A vetrinary receptionist has the power to know everyone's password.

   I just shouted at a guy driving aSmartCar..... and I think I totaled it.

   I still think I'm in my 20s sometimes...until I try to do something like I'm in my 20s.

   "WTH, I can't seem to parallel park anymore" - Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner

   Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner said that the wierdest thing about transforming into a woman is that he still likes watching football but he no longer really understands it.

   Your selfie needs more paper bag.

   wonders which black athlete or rapper Caitlyn will end up dating? ♠️

   Faffing: The excessive use of time for nonsense activities....Faffometer: A device or means for measuring the amount of time spent faffing around (as I am doing when writing this entry)

   First date. Her. "Shall we carve our names onto this tree" Me. "You brought a knife?"

   So, I wonder if Jerry Sandusky has room in his cell for Dennis Hastert?