Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My trust issues are so bad that I don't even believe people when they use their turn signals.

   Aurora Shooting Trial: James Holmes' ex girlfriend testified at his death sentance hearing? Yep; looks like I will never comit a crime after all.

   "Looks don't matter, just be yourself". - attractive people

   This Wednesday has been humping my leg with it's eyes closed.

   I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster. Now it doesn't work.

   Note to men, if you really want to understand how a woman's mind works - imagine a browser with 2687 tabs open.

   Relationship status: ▫️Single ▫️In a relationship ▫️Married ▫️Engaged ▫️Divorced ▪️Waiting for a miracle ✔️

   [Every restaurant ever].... Manager: "Has he got a mouthful of food?".. Waiter: "Ummm,, Yeah."....Manager: "Good,, Go ask him how his meal is."

   On "Family Feud".... Host: Name something that you can never seem to find the right time to say.... Dad: "You're adopted, Chet!".... *The WHOLE Family claps,, except Chet*

   Ugh,,, You'd think this restless leg syndrome would be exercise enough.

   "FRIGGIN!!!,,,, FRIG!!"... - *Godzilla, after stomping on a Lego store.

   come from a long line of people who ruin things.

   When I asked if you would have my kids I didn't mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

   How much for the girlfriend? Sir that's a bottle of Vodka.

   1985: call me on the new line in my roo.m 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me

   Here's an idea: When in doubt, shut your mouth.

   Politicians should be limited to two terms. One in office and one in prison.

   Going back onto work for the first time after vacation is like running into someone you once knew who you never really liked anyway.

   Your personality is a size "0" too.

   You can't call it "Doggy Style" unless you scratch behind her ears and ask, "Now who's a good girl" after you finish.