Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   why don't they have a pill to make girls vag smaller

   I Love the taste of you first thing in the morning. Me *talking to my coffee

   [Wendy and the Burger King having sex] King: You like this? Wendy: I'm loving it! *the Burger King stops* King: What did you just say?

   I go to the gym Because deep down we all know when the aliens come they are going to eat the fat ones first.

   Saw A Lady I have a crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

   Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation..

   Stephanie from Facebook hasn't uploaded another selfie in the past 15 minutes. I hope shes ok!

   Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you're sleeping.

   One of these days, I'm going to tell my girlfriend we're in a relationship.

   OK, who decided to call them iPhone Chargers and not Apple Juice?

   Lebron flashes his pen*s on live TV and all of the sudden all straight guys turn gay and are running to see it

   Not sure what's the bigger ball story of 2015. "Deflate Gate" or "Deflate Cait"?

   says what's the difference between two Johnsons and a joke? Wimmun can't take a joke!

   If she posts 7 new selfies a day, Regardless of how hot she is, Let it go bud. You'll never give the amount of attention required. Science.

   I have to be on antibiotics for the next week for an infection. Meanwhile, my yogurt provides a daily dose of probiotics. Now the antibiotics and probiotics will be waging a 7 day Biotic War for control of my insides.

   Do you guys want to take this a step further and be pen pals?

   She's replying to all my text messages fairly quickly, I guess you can say things are getting pretty serious.

   Single guy "I can't do anything right." Married guy "I can't do anything, right?"

   Anyone going somewhere exciting this weekend to stare at your phone?

   I have 1,635 pictures on my phone of me and all my friends. Just kidding they're memes I stole from the coments