Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The difference between fetish and felony is googling ahead of time.

   “First time caller, long time listener”—Alexander Graham Bell

   Come to think of it,,, I've never found a hair in my food at a Brazilian restaurant.

   Does anyone know how to change the difficulty setting on getting the sex?

   Tetris but one piece is shaped liked you and it doesn't fit anywhere.

   We're told constantly to follow our dreams. Well, my dream is to thwart every single other human's dream. :HR Department

   Beauty, brains or emotionally stable. You only get 2 guys so choose wisely!!

   Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.

   I wonder if women can hear the magnificent sounds of the symphony orchestra when their bra is removed...

   Frankly auto correct,I'm getting tired of your shirt.

   Actually, Jon Bon Jovi, it's Courtney that gave 'Love' a bad name

   Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can't change a tire for sh*t.

   Back in my day recess was where they sent us to play on a rusty death trap and now kids can't eat gluten.

   Many yard sales happening here today, some hard to distinguish from "we had a fight so I threw his stuff out the window onto the lawn."

   If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.

   Was there ever a time where secretly giving "bunny ears" in a photo was actually funny?

   Screw the name "Geoff"! If you're named Geoff go to the courthouse right now and change it to Jeff. Take accountability, make this right

   Post something very nice and flattering about someone. Then, after they thank you, change it to something dirty!!

   Somewhere, there is someone still in prison for stealing VCRs

   A vegan, a cross-fitter, and an atheist walk into a bar. Who does the bartender shoot first?