Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hugs that turn into sex? Where do I get those? Mine always turn into "Let me go or I'm calling the police."

   "Wanna have phone sex?" "No, I'm on Virgin Mobile."

   "You swallow 8 spiders a night" I repeat to myself over and over looking for more. I have only consumed 5. It's 4am. Dawn will break soon.

   Hold on I'm about to count my money. Alright I'm done.

   Women think that if their man jacks off more, she won't have to have sex as often. Sorry ladies, that's not how it works.

   If you love someone, keep drinking

   Another successful Lent season accomplished by vowing not to eat healthy food for 40 days. Think I'll keep it going.

   You know the difference between Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg? Martha Stewart is a convicted felon.

   Men look at a woman’s behind and think “Wow! What an @zz.” Women look at a man’s face and think the very same thing.

   "April fools fell on a Hump day" said the camel

   I didn't hump anything on Hump Day, but I did throw my back out on Throwback Thursday, so I got to be mildly ironic.

   Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel by using a dial.

   Breaking News: The State of Indiana just made "smear the queer" the official playground game.

   It was April Fools' Day yesterday. So be careful. And don't forget to turn back your clocks....

   They say candles add a sensual ambiance, this my explain why I become aroused when I see a birthday cake

   feeling like a tampon; in a good place, but at the wrong time

   Every time my girlfriend sees me naked, she sighs. Doesn't she know that sighs matters?

   I'm gonna start a new website called Punchender where people/companies can raise funds to NOT release a terrible product. Example "If we don't meet our goal, we will release super bouncy death ball!"

   It takes balls to eat Rocky Mountain Oysters.

   I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said "WHERE ?"