Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And then Jesus said, “when I come back in three days, I better not see any eggs. I don’t care what you do – hide’em, paint’em, just get rid of them.”

   Made a deposit at the Sperm Bank....sadly, it's earning no interest.

   No bids on Jay Cutler autographed football at charity event. Because he didn't sign it Tom Brady. . .

   The girl on the flyer is never at the club.

   I've exercised and on a strict diet and I lost 70lbs (true story) but I just found out all I had to do was throw up after I eat. why doesn't everyone do this!

   if we couldn't laugh we would al go insane...

   North Korea is becoming like that one person on your friends list that always threatens to close their FB account from lack of attention.

   I'm living proof that misery actually hates company.

   Where did all the people walking around with boomboxes in the 80s go? I'm concerned.

   [a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok [a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event "Come Outside"] what tha

   being an atheist must be hard. whenever someone is sad you can never tell them ‘God has a plan’ you have to come up with a logical reason

   News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.

   My neighbor put the box his new fridge came in on the curb this morning for recycling pickup. Guess who has a new fort.

   The lady seated next to me on the plane started to freak when she realised I was Pakistani, I laughed so hard my grenades nearly fell out of my pockets

   Conspiracy Theory #237 - The Easter bunny and the tooth fairy are secretly working together.

   Exercise, eat right, get good sleep, take your vitamins...die anyway.

   Its safe to visit my FB page friends. That smell is now gone.

   German feminine hygiene products are called Hercrotchastinkin.

   I told my kids that if they are old enough to fertilize eggs, we aren't going to color eggs for easter.

   The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don't even have to hide a body.