Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   yet another bad week to be a knuckle dragging neo-con

   If you want the perfect girlfriend date Wonder Woman..Oh wait, she's not real either!

   I can't tell what's currently doing worse, my love life or my bank account

   You had me at "this is a bad idea"

   Me: I wish my life were more exciting Alcohol: Have another drink and call your ex

   If you're not having a blast, you're doing life wrong.

   Complicated, for two please.

   Talk to your kids about drugs. Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don't wanna be a nerd parent.

   I am hoping that legalizing gay marriage will increase the chances of a hot lesbian couple moving in next door.

   It's like grandma used to say "pass that sh it to the left and don't fcuk up the rotation"

   Go home feelings, you're drunk

   Most of my wives think I'm a Mormon.

   I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question

   My sisters don't think "Joe's Bra Shop:We fix flats." is an appropriate way to answer the phone but the boys who call think I'm hilarious.

   When did Facebook become Reading Rainbow?

   If you are Canadian and have used Maple Syrup as lube, can I get some pancakes with that?

   Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?

   So only 9 people in supreme courts sit around and decide what's legal and what's not for the rest of over 500 million Americans? Yes I see how your democracy is very fair.

   How would there be a lot of confused babies whose dad's screwed each other? Did the Supreme Court overturn nature and allowed same-sex conception too?

   If gay couple want to get married and be just as miserable as straight couples, let'em.