Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1572 of 6384
The last time I went camping I stayed home.
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04-07-2015 13:19
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If I've learned anything from my 7-day Detox, it's that I love toxins.
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04-07-2015 13:10 by Czovczov
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I bet Peter is pissed off they keep stealing from him. On a side note, Paul seems to be pretty happy.
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04-07-2015 11:50
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Osha should be required to shut the Men's office bathrooms down the Monday and Tuesday after Easter
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04-07-2015 10:02 by Murph
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Where are all these beautiful singles in my area that want to meet me. I keep getting a popup with photo's of several ladies, However I have never noticed them at wal-mart, the grocery store, church, or anywhere around here. I Think this may be a scam!!
I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.
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04-07-2015 00:37
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I'm at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
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04-07-2015 00:31 by Czovczov
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I bruised my face running drunk into a slider door but I told my coworkers it's my violent boyfriend because I want them to think I'm dating
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04-07-2015 00:30
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I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems
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04-06-2015 23:20
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A guy at a stoplight angrily pointed and yelled at me, so I smiled at him and mouthed "I love this song too!"
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04-06-2015 23:18
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wow, by several of the last status posts, we can see that Ferguson must have gotten their Internet back!!!
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04-06-2015 23:06
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I was offered a one night stand with a girl. In exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. I declined because I have strong morals and will power. Just as strong as Ajax, now available scented with lemon or vanilla
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04-06-2015 21:42
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It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
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04-06-2015 19:06 by snotty
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When my atheist friend pisses me off, I tell him to Go to Heaven!!
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04-06-2015 19:02
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It turns out that using bowel grease is messier than using elbow grease ... damn dyslexia.
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04-06-2015 18:15
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the only reason Kanye likes Kim's ass all oiled up is because he can see his own reflection in it.
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04-06-2015 11:36 by Baddie
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I do hateful things for which people love me, and I do lovable things for which they hate me. I'm admired for my detestability.
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04-06-2015 11:04
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i feel bad that you have to deal with yourself
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04-06-2015 10:56
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The day after a big turkey dinner I always have fowl smelling farts.
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04-06-2015 10:53
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Every time I read "Large Hadron Collider", I think it says "Large Hardon Collider", which sounds rather painful.
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04-05-2015 20:32
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