Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My local Taco Bell put in super bright parking lot lights so when people buy drugs they know they aren't getting shorted.

   The way Americans feel about Donald Trump running for President is the way the rest of the world feels about America.

   Sheen 2016! Because there's nothing more bipartisan than tiger blood

   Me: How much for the horse tornado? Guy: Sir, that's a carousel.

   A lot of women can’t drive because they’re too busy giving mixed signals.

   I don’t think I meet the height requirement to ride your emotional rollercoaster

   I have a female anatomy medical chart above my bed to use as a reference if I ever get lucky again*

   I always found it ironic when the president of a nation who leads the world in global arms sales speaks out against gun violence.

   I doubt vodka’s the answer but it’s definitely worth a shot.

   How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?

   "Same Sh*t different day" doesn't describe the day. It describes your life.

   On the bright side, selfie sticks are also lightning rods.

   "Lets not judge a whole race by the actions of one mad man." All races are asssssshooole equally.

   My nickname at work is "I thought they fired you"

   Girlfriend is going out of town tonight .... Who wants to come over and ask a bunch of questions about the movie I'm watching?

   People can't drive. Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights. What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

   will take scientific advice from the pope when he takes religious advice from Stephen Hawking.

   Have you ever wonder if Donald Trump parts his pubic hair the same way? You will now.

   Sorry I replaced your pepper-spray with silly-string but you gotta admit the surprised look on that mugger's face was priceless...

   Damn, girl, are you Terms and Conditions? Because I just want to blindly agree to whatever you say.