Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Talk to your kids about drugs. Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don't wanna be a nerd parent.

   I am hoping that legalizing gay marriage will increase the chances of a hot lesbian couple moving in next door.

   It's like grandma used to say "pass that sh it to the left and don't fcuk up the rotation"

   Go home feelings, you're drunk

   Most of my wives think I'm a Mormon.

   I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question

   My sisters don't think "Joe's Bra Shop:We fix flats." is an appropriate way to answer the phone but the boys who call think I'm hilarious.

   When did Facebook become Reading Rainbow?

   If you are Canadian and have used Maple Syrup as lube, can I get some pancakes with that?

   Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?

   So only 9 people in supreme courts sit around and decide what's legal and what's not for the rest of over 500 million Americans? Yes I see how your democracy is very fair.

   How would there be a lot of confused babies whose dad's screwed each other? Did the Supreme Court overturn nature and allowed same-sex conception too?

   If gay couple want to get married and be just as miserable as straight couples, let'em.

   Sòdømy is not marriage. Pórnögraphy is not art. Desires are not rights. At this point I feel ignorance shouls b bliss. In a few years expect a lot of traumatized babies whose dad's screw each other..gross

   It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...

   I've been to WI, I think that farmers only .com is being very generous with how many hit farmers daughters there are

   In hindsight,, maybe I shouldn't have kept looking back . . .

   Breaking news: Police managed to floor Matt with no Sweat...

   Why does it look like some of my friends took their profile pic with an old Polaroid Camera?

   Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.