Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never know what to say to pregnanant women so I just say, "I like to screw too"

   Wife: Wanna have sex? Me: Sure, a quickie or do you want the full 2 minutes?

   I bet the first person to see a sun set was all like, "well... this ain't good"

   "Drink Responsibly?".... LOL, Responsibility is WHY I drink.

   Two in the blue, one in the poo. ~ How to give Smurfette a shocker.

   "Herrreee kitty, kitty, kitty" ~ Me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon.

   Now that you've won your right to marry, ya think we could get a couple colors back. I mean, the whole rainbow... seariously?!?!

   Jesus had two dads and he seemed to turn on just fine.

   My ex told me to grow a pair of balls, but I'm growing petunias for my garden instead.

   The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULlcrap.

   Did you hear that? That was a g@y man farting without his butplug.

   I'm old but not "Change to Channel 3 to play video games" old.

   Will E.L. James' next book be called "Fifity Shades of Gay"?

   Accompanied by girlfriend to a special screening of "Magic Mike XXL" last night. The nudity....The foul language.... The ladies screaming at the top of their lungs. And that was just me standing in line for popcorn....

   FLASH floods are just regular floods except they show you their junk!

   Watching 50 Shades of Grey and O.M.G. My playroom Looks. Exactly. Like. That!

   We're going to IKEA. I might get a Strömphümpclūmpër, if they haven't got any of those I'll just buy some Płürplöpš and a höööphükïnéll..

   WAKE UP America!!! Are we going to let five UNELECTED dentists decide whether or not we choose Trident?

   Last I checked, the Confederate flag turned white.

   Fox news lied to me. Gay marriage is legal and I haven't married my cousin or my pet.