Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man.

   They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

   I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn't even lift him.

   I was sober for 11 straight years. Then I turned 12.

   French toast is regular toast that surrendered.

   Finally Bert and Ernie can quit living in sin!!! #onelove

   Cant wait to see the new Terminator movie ..Rage Against The Vending Machine

   Towel-heads are at it again.

   My bank balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft

   "Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she's not herself."... *grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

   *parked outside a Walgreens.... "Psst, hey kids. Wanna make $5?.. Sweet... Listen, do you know what tampons are?"

   *NASA Headquarters: Reporter- Why did you name the Mars rover Curiosity?... Scientist- The prototype killed a TON of cats.... Next question.

   When I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.

   When someone over 40 tells me they've never been married & have no kids I don’t question them…I just pat them on the back and say well done!

   I got in touch with my inner self today. That's the last time I buy single-ply toilet paper at the Dollar Store.

   Kindness, compassion, open mindedness, and unconditional love. That's my religion.

   Just watched a guy walk down the street eating a bowl of cereal. That guy has life figured out.

   A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it's so when I'm eating prairie grasses I can see predators

   This crackheads teeth look like she's been smoking firecrackers.

   Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn't have said.