Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My bank balance is a constant reminder that I'm safe from identity theft

   "Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she's not herself."... *grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

   *parked outside a Walgreens.... "Psst, hey kids. Wanna make $5?.. Sweet... Listen, do you know what tampons are?"

   *NASA Headquarters: Reporter- Why did you name the Mars rover Curiosity?... Scientist- The prototype killed a TON of cats.... Next question.

   When I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.

   When someone over 40 tells me they've never been married & have no kids I don’t question them…I just pat them on the back and say well done!

   I got in touch with my inner self today. That's the last time I buy single-ply toilet paper at the Dollar Store.

   Kindness, compassion, open mindedness, and unconditional love. That's my religion.

   Just watched a guy walk down the street eating a bowl of cereal. That guy has life figured out.

   A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it's so when I'm eating prairie grasses I can see predators

   This crackheads teeth look like she's been smoking firecrackers.

   Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn't have said.

   I think I'll save these pain killers for when I'm feeling better.

   What time will humans be inside so I can go grocery shopping alone?

   In 200 years superstitious villagers will be sprinkling gluten over their doorways to keep soccer mums and hipsters at bay

   The mexicans said to Donald Trump "estás despedido, estúpido idiota"

   *Phone rings* "Mr. Hughes" "Yeah?" "You need to come pick your son of from school" "Awe crap, what did he do?" "Nothing, its almost midnight"

   My 13 year old daughter just lit up a cigarette at the dinner table. I've never been more furious. And she did it right in front of her kids too.

   Well son, when you were little your monther read on the internet and heard from her yoga teacher that vaccines don't work. Anyway, sorry your legs don't work.

   Bought a new boomerang today but I'm having trouble throwing away the old one.