Funny Status Messages

   The current Facebook dilema: How long until I can remove my rainbow filter avi without looking like a homophobe?

   At first I thought it said, "Kourtney Kardashian takes a dump on Scott Disick" which would make much more sense.

   You keep writing inspirational messages on Facebook, bro. I'll be over here banging that chick you like.

   My sex tape looks like Stephen Hawking trying to pull himself out of a bathtub.

   I didn't read the article but let me tell you what I think about the headline.

   *Sitting around camp fire* And when your phone rang, you had no idea who it was *kids get up and run away screaming*

   Apparently Jared was also fond of the occasional 2 inch sub.

   "Hi Kids! Wanna see how I lost all this weight playing hide the salami? And you might get to see my footlong!!! (which is actually 11")

   You know, it didn't say anywhere in my Subway contract that I couldn't order off the kid's menu."

   Subway's new slogan should be "Eat fresh, but not TOO fresh."

   Subway always charges more than 5 bucks for their foot longs, bout time the FEDs do something about that.

   The police raid Jareds house where he confesses that he never liked Subway sandwiches in the first place.

   If hJared Fogle goes to jail for this, he can expect a footlong of a different variety.

   Only reason I’m here is to find a trustworthy babysitter.

   Remember when emojis were just called clip art and everyone thought they were stupid?

   When anyone asks me to describe myself I just say "tired".

   In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.

   That selfie of you perched upon the toilet intoxicated was truly charming. What finishing school did you attend, my delicate flower?

   *beats dead horse... *kills two birds with 1 stone... *lets cat out of bag... *takes bull by horns... *breaks camels back... (Finally gets kicked out of zoo)

   Surprisingly,, " How It’s Made" episode about "pancakes",, actually didn’t show my wife and I arguing for 20 minutes