Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't mean to brag, but I just completed my 21 day cleanse in 3 hours and 15 minutes.

   Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, bite like a mosquito, carry 100 times your body weight like an ant.

   if you expect me to answer an actual phone call you're gonna have to give me at least 3 days warning

   My tombstone will say, "She was a people pleaser most of her life until one day she snapped and had to be taken out by the national guard."

   When they named Newfoundland, it's like they just weren't even trying.

   I'm the Rain Man of knowing exactly how many fries you stole while I went to get napkins.

   I'd love to hear about your weekend plans just give me a second to put on my airplane neck pillow.

   As a kid my Mom would remind me that you can get killed crossing the street. At some point it sounded like a suggestion.

   Babies are like little miracles that poop wherever they want and scream at everybody

   I shot out of bed last night with the awful realization that Charlie Tuna was a tunafish that loved the idea of people eating tunafish

   Carli Lloyd - the next Atomic Bomb to be dropped on Japan

   In the Midnight hour she Cried " Turn that TV Down I'm trying to sleep" :(

   [Job Interview] "Do you have any questions?" How do they get those tiny ships inside glass bottles? "I m..eant about the job" Oh, no I'm good

   "Walk Like an Egyptian" is probably my favorite song about walking like an Egyptian, if I had to choose..

   BATMAN: I am the guardian of the night SPIDERMAN: With great power comes great responsibility CATWOMAN: Guys, help, I'm stuck in a tree.

   5 manly shampoo scents: 1. Beef Jerky 2. Cigar smoke 3. Gun powder 4. Lawn clippings 5. Home Depot.

   There's no way to close your curtains without looking like your murdered everyone in your house.

   If you don’t want people asking for rides again, say yes the first time but don’t show up.

   to all those that now have a DUI, domestic violence charge or one less finger... Happy 5th of July

   it wrong to ask someone with a eye patch"was it all fun and games up to that point?"