Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ahh Brunch, the Sunday activity that makes drinking before noon socially acceptable.

   It's all fun and games until they let the police dog loose..

   Just found out the Dukes of Hazzard wasn't a reality show, my day is now shot.

   Funny how the greatest threat to a human being's life on earth can be traced right back to a fellow human being.

   Watching all 6 episodes of Star Wars in one sitting sure makes the dagobah fast.

   I embarrassed my friend the psychic with a surprise birthday party.

   When an ignorant person feels that he won an argument he loses. When he loses an argument, he actually wins knowledge.

   You probably shouldn't call me lazy until you've taken a few steps in my sandals.

   Aaron Hernandez is already proving to be a hot prospect for several prison gangs, and he is expected to be drafted quickly.

   My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.

   Shovels, aisle 7, check. Hatchets, aisle 10, check. Bags of lime, aisle 11, check. Now where is that alibis section....

   If Hillary Clinton can't satisfy her husband, what makes her think she can satisfy America?

   Oh... you were saying 'good boy' to the dog? Guess I'll just put these back on. Awkward.

   my Wife is busy oiling up all the wood in the house. I like where this is going.

   what is the best way to get rid of my annoying neighbor Fred's body if I kill him? .. asking for a friend.

   the Catholic Church gets a lot of bad press, but if it weren't for my parish priest I wouldn't even know how to give a good hand job.

   Found a grey pubic hair today. I didn’t freak out too much but the others in the elevator looked terrified.

   Just found out the Dukes of Hazzard weren't really royalty it was just the last name they lied! Hollywood is a liar!

   Shout out to the top 5 kinds of boats, row, tug, sail, life and Ricky the Dragon Steam

   "I'll see you in hell" should be followed with "and I won't even stop to say hi". Otherwise you're just making plans with someone you hate