Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

   Ladies, I now understand the whole "my eyes are up here" thing ever since I started wearing a sword.

   You don't know a woman unless you understand what she's not saying to U.

   Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.

   No man has ever won a game of 'notice anything different about me?'

   I guess I should have told you my kid was a dog when I sent the invitation to his first birthday party.

   I like giving names to my furniture... Right now i'm chillin' on Oscar the Couch

   Thanks motion sensor restroom sinks,,, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.000001 seconds anyway

   My wife's cooking is so bad she set off the neighbors smoke alarm!

   thinks the only thing worse than having to listen to Donald Trump is having to admit he's right! RIP Kate Steinle

   I always make full eye contact when placing the stick that separates our groceries.

   This lady behind me is reading what I'm writing while I'm waiting on line in the pharmacy. Can't wait till she .....aaaAAHHHHH! THAT'S RIGHT LADY!!!....Look away!

   I say we 3D print some thumbs for dolphins and see what happens.

   It's kinda messed up to think that peanut butter sandwiches could take out a considerable portion of the population.

   The silence of President Obama, the Reverend Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson and the rest of our black leaders on the killing of Kate Steinle sounds a lot like racism.

   I quess Kate Steinle didn't look enough like Obama's daughters for him to give a damn about her.

   They’re called mimosas because breakfast booze sounds too alcoholic-y.

   you never know a crossfitter works out just by looking at them, that's why they have to tell you about it every ten minutes.

   I bet the guy at the urinal next to me is now rethinking his decision to wear flip flops today.

   Please stop calling it "guac" like you two pledged a sorority together your sophomore year. It's guacamole.