Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The husband asked if I've seen where his exfoliation sponge was,,, and now I'm waiting for our periods to sync.

   Just got kicked out of Subway for asking if I could get a footlong Spicy Italian in my Kids Meal....

   Its 2015, why do babies still have cords.

   Well I guess this the recent news about Jared might put a whole new meaning to "six inch sub" instead of Footlong

   I was surprised by how poorly attended my high school reunion was until I rememberd the graduation day bear attack.

   The current Facebook dilema: How long until I can remove my rainbow filter avi without looking like a homophobe?

   At first I thought it said, "Kourtney Kardashian takes a dump on Scott Disick" which would make much more sense.

   You keep writing inspirational messages on Facebook, bro. I'll be over here banging that chick you like.

   My sex tape looks like Stephen Hawking trying to pull himself out of a bathtub.

   I didn't read the article but let me tell you what I think about the headline.

   *Sitting around camp fire* And when your phone rang, you had no idea who it was *kids get up and run away screaming*

   Apparently Jared was also fond of the occasional 2 inch sub.

   "Hi Kids! Wanna see how I lost all this weight playing hide the salami? And you might get to see my footlong!!! (which is actually 11")

   You know, it didn't say anywhere in my Subway contract that I couldn't order off the kid's menu."

   Subway's new slogan should be "Eat fresh, but not TOO fresh."

   Subway always charges more than 5 bucks for their foot longs, bout time the FEDs do something about that.

   The police raid Jareds house where he confesses that he never liked Subway sandwiches in the first place.

   If hJared Fogle goes to jail for this, he can expect a footlong of a different variety.

   Only reason I’m here is to find a trustworthy babysitter.

   Remember when emojis were just called clip art and everyone thought they were stupid?