Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he's just there to touch your boobs.

   The "Lift" scene in Dirty Dancing, but me and my first beer after work.

   Auto Mechanic: Well, looks like you blew a seal. Penguine Eating Icecream: *Wips beak with flipper* Oh, no. That's just vinalla ice cream.

   Maybe suicide bombers get 72 virgin daquiri's. You don't know.

   I've never eaten Wookie, but I bet its Chewy

   We are only a few UFC matches away from two men getting each other pregnant.

   The average whale swallows 8 octopuses in its sleep every year.

   "Waht if we just throw some pretty-colord marshmellows in with some cat food?" ~ Invetors of Lucky Charms

   In memory of the fallen Marines who were killed. You've served well and won't be forgotten. Rest in Peace Marines and Semper Fi!!

   [Stares deeply into my wifes' eyes before going to the bathroom]... "I counted those fries Susan."

   It's always awkward ending phone calls with people you love. I always say, "I love you" and they're like "Thank you for choosing Domino's Pizza."

   Just in one of those “Curl up and watch 25 episodes of ‘Small Wonder’ ” kinda moods.

   Amazon's Prime Day: An experiment in quantifying disappointment. #primeday

   Dis anybody no how to use gramar or speling on dis sight? wholly flick!

   Clinton passed a law disarming soldiers on bases. Makes total sense right?

   The only sign on the door of the recruiting office in Chattanooga was the Gun Free Zone One.

   If you harvest ears of corn from a plant it's likely a corn plant, if you pick beans it's most likey from bean plant and if you harvest human organs it pretty much has to be from a human. There just isn't anywhere else to get them.

   President Obama is going to downplay this like he has every other attack. He can't have a war, now ISIS, they can have a war, but Barrack and Hilary, they can't.

   And here's another question I would love all you pro abortion people to answer, if a fetus is not a human life as you contend, how the hell does planned parenthood harvest and sell human organs from one?

   When are people going to start arming themselves? This is stupid people getting to shoot at you without getting shot at.