Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A few of my favorite things: 1. Raindrops on roses 2. Whiskers on kittens 3. Bright copper kettles 4. Warm woolen mittens 5. Coffee and pizza..

   It hurts to lose old friends, but when your paths diverge you shouldn't take the low road just fit the company.

   I'll never understand women. I held open a door and all she did was start screaming and got sucked out the plane.

   FACT: there's no manly way to put on chapstick. I usually just make a mean face and hum Tupac songs.

   what the difference between a g@y guy mustache and a straight guy mustache? ... The smell

   dont you hate it when your having a good day and then a human being tries to talk to you?

   shouldn't be that hard to convict Bill Cosby now. The proof is in the pudding...

   True story: one time I said "excuse me" to my own reflection into a glass door headed back into the bar

   think I speak for everyone when I say no one can speak for all of us.

   I wear a ski mask to bed so if there's a home invasion the intruder will think I'm part of the team.

   "She's gone too far"... "She crossed the line between science & ethics"... "She's playing God"... *reaction to the amount of cheese my mom puts in an omelet

   Thanks to #AmazonPrimeDays I know what it feels like to be catfished.

   Hope this Iran thing goes through so the Ayatollah Ali Khameneiwill stop blocking my Candy Crush requests.

   ‎Primeday‬ is just like the clearance aisle at Walmart... The deals suck and you can shop in your pajamas...

   It took 3 amigos and a Mexican village to take care of El Guapo...Donald Trump has zero Amigos, advantage El Chapo!

   plot twist........ it WAS my first rodeo

   Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.

   If you're missing a necklace just remember Dave Navarro probably has it.

   I need to slap the Pharmacist that put my pet's prescription in the same amber vial as mine, but first...I need to piss on this mailbox.

   Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.