Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *BREAKING** NASA CONFIRMS THAT PLUTO HAS A TINY VENUS..

   You know you're in the wrong part of Montana when you get up in the morning and go to the motel lobby and the television is tuned to MSNBC

   So how in heavens name with all the available utinsels out there to eat rice with did two round sticks win?

   I like surprises. Not the 'finger in my ass without permission' kind, but cake is always nice.

   Honestly, all I want is a girl who doesn't have twerk videos on her FB page.

   The opening sequence in The Lion King, but me lifting my first beer after work.

   If I love you only for your looks rather than for your soul, then you better be worried because I will dump your ass like yesterday’s mashed potatoes the next chance I get to hook up with someone cuter than you.

   Dr says my cholesterol count is so high that... I can't even say "cheese" when I get my picture taken.

   not every flower can say love, but a rose does. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus does. Not every retard can read... but look at you go!/€

   I love living in a small town where everyone is so friendly, unless you are from a differnt town or have a differing opinion

   I am not as worried about growing old as I am foundering myself on these Flathead Cherries

   aac Newton had an apple before they were cool

   'Don't worry. I'll hold all your stuff. You just worry about making friends' - Fanny Packs

   "America finally found solution to avoid population growth thru same sex 👬marriages" LMAO👭

   Dr says my cholesterol count is so high that... I can't even say "cheese" when I get my picture taken.

   "Hillary Clinton couldn't satisfy her husband. What makes her think she can satisfy the country?" -Monica Lewinsky

   Your lips are saying "No", but your rape whistle is saying "maybe".

   *stretches condom over foot* "Of course I know how to do the sex, but why don't you go ahead and tell me so that I know you know"

   I keep a glass of water on the nightstand in case I want to get up in the middle of the night and spill something on my phone.

   I love living in a small town where everyone is so friendly, unless you are from a differnt town or have a differing opinion.