Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hide from people too, so I get it unicorns, I get it.

   "I enjoy long walks on the ocean"......................

   7: Dad, why did you name me after a number?..... "It was an odd time in our lives, son"

   *walks into CVS*...."Hi, sorry I have another return. This brand of dental floss tastes like blood too."

   Love is blind. It's also drunk, has a wooden leg, Tourette's, a crippling fear of heights & if you poke it with a stick it plays dead.

   a restraining order just her way of telling me she's into bondage?

   I don't chase after girls, unless I have my inhaler with me.

   "Oh, you smoke cigarettes? Don't bother, I'll take myself to the friendzone."

   To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.

   Don't make me take my bra off.... Because without it.... you will see I have bigger balls than any guy out there!

   During a fight with your wife tell her you're bored

   never in my entire life have I cooked the right amount of spaghetti noodles.

   (At Costco) Hi can I just have a water bottle "Sorry sir all we have is this pack of 2,467 water bottles"

   I have Never faked a Sarcasm in my Life!

   *BREAKING** NASA CONFIRMS THAT PLUTO HAS A TINY VENUS..

   You know you're in the wrong part of Montana when you get up in the morning and go to the motel lobby and the television is tuned to MSNBC

   So how in heavens name with all the available utinsels out there to eat rice with did two round sticks win?

   I like surprises. Not the 'finger in my ass without permission' kind, but cake is always nice.

   Honestly, all I want is a girl who doesn't have twerk videos on her FB page.

   The opening sequence in The Lion King, but me lifting my first beer after work.