Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationship status: I've developed a high tolerance for pepper spray.

   Fun prank for Californians: Adjust your wiper wash to spray the car behind you, making them believe it's raining.

   OK Cupid reviewed my profile. They suggest I get a puppy.

   I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

   Do people with cats not know about dogs?

   How do pizza delivery folks not eat the pizza on the way?

   I'm lucky if I can get into my own pants.

   Don't be ashamed of who you are, that's your parents job.

   Its like that girl doesn't even care that he shorts stopped fitting like 3 years ago.

   I eat far too many Happy Meals to be taken seriously as an adult.

   I know you're supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?

   It’s an employee’s job to respect management but it's managements job to give them something to respect.

   "You drive me to drink!" -I shout at my taxi driver.

   If you love God you are deeply religious, If you love Islam, you are a radical.

   Putting a 60 mph sign on a Mass. highway is really just a waste of metal

   What do Moslim men do during foreplay? A: Tickle the camel under the chin

   I havend't heard from DAEMON MAILER in years, I hope he's okay.

   Vape pens are the new Crocs

   I'm no mathlete but I can tell you that a 6 year old running at 8 mph after an ice cream truck driving 10 mph files 7.4ft when you trip him.

   "You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.