Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One assault charge and all of a sudden you're not wife material anymore.

   Don't be sad.. Someone, somewhere.. Is finding out right now they have herpes.

   Learned something new today. If you tell a girl she's a 6, she'll make up the other 4 in bed

   I'd vote for Donald Trump just to watch him tell Obama he's fired... ‪#‎justsaying‬

   Kinda sucks Cinderella had to end up with someone who couldn't remember what her face looked like.

   I took a train home. Now I don't know how to get it back on the rails...

   Instead of buying all my kids' school supplies, I just bought a Staples store. Saved like four grand.

   Me and my girlfriend, ,, sitting in a tree A-R-G-U-I-N-G

   Co-workers not loving my Lenny Kravitz impersonation.

   Ronda Rousy has challenged Bill Cosby to see who can knock out a woman faster.

   I like my women like I like my golf scores. In the 80s with a slight handicap.

   Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

   A lot of capes at the hair salon. Hard to tell who's a superhero and who's not

   There is never just one reality, we each have our own version.

   I posed nude for an artist. He wore sunglasses and left the lights off.

   I wish I can stay in my present bad mood until the end of America's presidential election; that way, I can decide who is the better candidate.

   These days I think it would be more shocking if Bert and Ernie had split.

   Kermit isn't getting porked tonight.

   Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.

   It's been a exhausting day pretending that I worked so hard.