Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet the worst person to have negotiating you down from a ledge would be the members of Van Halen.

   With all the craziness going on in the world, I can just say; stay strapped, my friends.

   How is gun control working in Chicago?

   said it before and I say it again: Ive said it before and say it again ...

   Russians; the other white p eople.

   Since we're not allowed to talk about gun control right after mass shootings, having them happen back-to-back is a real time-saver...

   I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.

   The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder...See how things can escalate quickly Susan??

   Grammar makes a difference... I punched my grandma in the face. Or.... I punched, my grandma, in t,he face...I don't know what I'm doing

   It's like my grandma always used to say, everyone needs to get that 1st starter marriage out-of-the-way!

   I never get caught because I've watched all 27 seasons of Cops..

   Hot singles in your area want to work out and eat healthy while you watch Netflix in your underwear .

   The only advantage of an old enemy is that they can distract you from the devilment of new ones.

   Just Donated blood..I hope whoever gets it likes wine. 🍷

   Well,,, According to WebMD, this burning is NOT an Eternal Flame.

   You know its good sex when she stars screaming some other guys name.

   Wonder which one of the Looney Toons is going to bang LeBrons mom on Space Jam 2?

   Umm. . . Unless your muzlim, women in the USA had the right to vote in the 1920's

   I thought AshleyMadison was the bakery that made Zingers... Didn't they used to sponsor Charlie Brown specials?

   Just showed up at Walmart in an outfit I bought at Target,,, People think I'm some kind of movie star.