Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1537 of 6384
Bae is short for Retarded, right?
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05-15-2015 15:16
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How come MOM'S and dad's only get one day and Sharks get a whole week??
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05-15-2015 15:14
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I like to wear a stethascope around my neck so that when there is a medical emergency people learn a valuable lesson about false assumptions.
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05-15-2015 13:29
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No thanks 5 Hour Energy drink. Work is 8 hours, I'll just stick to cocaine.
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05-15-2015 13:21
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Laughing is the best medicine but if you are laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
Hockey is much better if you imagine the teams are fighting over the world’s last Oreo
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05-15-2015 10:31
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Welcome to laser noises club. Please take a pew.
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05-15-2015 10:31
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[walking up to birthday party] Kid: "Dad, these are all the cool kids. Don't embarass me." Dad: "I hear ya dawg" *puts baseball hat on backwards*
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05-15-2015 10:30
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If you don't boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?
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05-15-2015 10:28
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Holy crap guys!!!! Only one more week until Tiffany from Facebook is in Mexico drinking with her besties!!!
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05-15-2015 10:27
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"Hell hath no fury" because women have it all.
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05-15-2015 10:26
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Friend: "Tattoos are so addicting" Me: "You drink, smoke, and watch porn all day. I don't think self-control is your thing"
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05-15-2015 10:25
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"Do you have a jelly fish sting?" "Do YOU have a jelly fish sting?" "Do YOU have a jelly fish sting" ~ R. Kelly at the beach.
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05-15-2015 10:24
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My life is a very complicated drinking game.
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05-15-2015 10:23
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Just got mad at work and smashed my face into my keyboard. Looks like I wrote a new Kanye West song.
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05-15-2015 10:23
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I hate it when you are singing along to a song and the singer gets the words wrong.
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05-15-2015 10:22
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I don't always text and drive but when I do, its because I have to share a really funny Tweet I just read to Facebook.
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05-15-2015 09:54
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Someday my kids will find my Twitter account and finally understand why we can't have nice things.
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05-15-2015 09:53
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Who called it "camel toe" and not... oh wait, "camel toe" was there perfect thing to call it. Good job dude who called it camel toe.
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05-15-2015 09:53
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My wife just decided she will no longer be putting anything unhealthy into her body. Time for me to turn the clothes hanger back into a treadmill.
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05-15-2015 09:52
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