Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores

   *son walks in on parents* *out of breath* -Daddy & I were just wrestling honey -Ya son, wrestling *dad busts a chair over mom's head*

   I've trained my dog to understand sarcasm.

   Don't ask me for directions I got lost on an elevator once.

   Some people want to wake up rich. Some people want to wake up famous. I just want to wake up and not worry about a damn thing.

   I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now i'm going to a different cafe.

   Which came first? The Pringles can or Tennis ball container?

   Ladies, if you're in competition to get as many friends on your friends list as possible, post naked pictures of yourself. . .

   Ladies, if you're in compitition to get as many friend on your frinds list, post naked pictures of yourself. . .

   When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.

   Weekly I confine my exercises to jumping to conclusions, stretching the truth and pushing my luck. I have already lost at least 3 friends....

   A faulty judgement or bad IQ?!

   Love: When you still like someone after marriage.

   Marriage vows should include no bringing up crap that happened 8 years ago.

   I Changed Siri to a male voice,, and now I can't get directions and most of the answers are wrong.

   Geno Smith sucker punched. Out 6-10 weeks. Apparently HE threw the first punch. It was intercepted!!!

   It's all fun and games until your picture is up at all the McDonalds drive thrus in your county. 31

   If I like your posted music vids ..99.9 % I never watched it..Sorry I can not lie...

   The five second rule is exponentially longer when no one else is around...

   I just got a new Epi-pen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it, for some reason.