Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Somewhere, there is someone still in prison for stealing VCRs

   A vegan, a cross-fitter, and an atheist walk into a bar. Who does the bartender shoot first?

   Hey,,, I know the words to all 5 songs on the radio.

   I was going to post a couple jokes about the unemployed, but none of them work.

   One smile, can start a friendship. One word, can end a fight. One look, can save a relationship. One person can change your life.

   BREAKING: Long suspected love affair between Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble confirmed today, admit to having "gay old time"

   Scientists have discovered that thinking about revenge lights up the same areas of the brain as chocolate. So it's true… revenge is sweet

   You know what’s easy..? Opening another beer…

   It's rumored that the Catholic Church is interested in buying Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. Does anyone not see the irony in this?

   Childhood I'd idolizing Batman. Adulthood is realizing The Joker made more sense.

   [Me to the 2nd baseman after I slide into base]... Make sure you separate plastics & food waste... [Coach from dugout] NO YOU IDIOT,,, NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

   Afternoon drinking game: Watch Maury & take a shot anytime you hear "axed" instead of "asked".

   My Laundry's piled so high,,, it's eating Doritos & watching Chappelle's Show.

   Do what's right to do, not what you're told to do.

   We're told constantly to follow our dreams. Well, my dream is to thwart every single other human's dream.

   I have come to the conclusion that I need more whipped cream in my life.

   Have sex with someone who loves your soul more than your body and you'll climax every time.

   The best part about being Canadian is that if we can get close enough to a beaver we are allowed to pet it. It's the law. It's in the constitution.

   Lately, to be a true rebel,,,, you have to have zero tattoos.

   My cat is always licking the carpet in my house. I think she's a lesbian.