Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1525 of 6453

It's cool how our pinky finger evolved into a cell phone stand...
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08-23-2015 11:41 by eengrms
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You ever felt like a fool, by waving your hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic. Other folks in the rest room think you are a ninja of something....

99% of being an adult is basically just not being mean to people you don't like anymore

My favorite part about being an adult is thinking about how stupid I was as a child for wishing I was an adult.

I come from a long line of successful people. I decided to stop that tradition.

Sorry I'm late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

what you call 10 commandments, I call common sense.
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08-22-2015 10:22
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Remember these 3 things: If you're a man, never take marital advice from Josh Duggar. Ladies, don't accept drinks from Bill Cosby & couples, don't let Jared Fogle babysit your kids.
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08-22-2015 08:30
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Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
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08-21-2015 19:28
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Her: We need to talk Me: how do you keep getting that duct tape off?
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08-21-2015 18:52
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Commercials for PizzaRolls would be more realistic if they had the kids screaming in agony as they burned their mouths on the cheese filling..
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08-21-2015 15:22
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Some times I just want to control alt delete my life and hit Esc. . .
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08-21-2015 14:24 by JAB
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Letting your date use your phone charger, even though you're at 25%, is the 21st century equivalent of putting your coat over a puddle.
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08-21-2015 13:38
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Actually, Yes! I do want to see a picture of your Mother-In-Law Eli. Your wife is hot!
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08-21-2015 12:51
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Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!
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08-21-2015 12:48
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Dam it I have to break up with her in person? Isn't there an easier way?" -Alexander Graham Bell, probably.
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08-21-2015 12:11
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If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that's just me flirting
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08-21-2015 01:31
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It usually goes like this. 1: wreck myself. 2: check myself
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08-21-2015 00:46
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Its no coincidence that my internet addiction started on the same day I got married.
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08-21-2015 00:39
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Whew, I was worried they hacked the Dolly Madison site and everyone would find out about my chocolate Zingers addiction.
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08-20-2015 23:49
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