Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stevie wonder is blind and can play the piano but I can't get a text back 😒

   Underwear is for pussies See what I did there? .. Sigh.. Brilliant

   My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I'm sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.

   Some days, all I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask. That is all.

   I heard that breathing can give you cancer.

   Just watched an entire TV show without being on my phone just like they did on the Mayflower.

   Took a quiz "Which Sex and the City character are you?" Turns out I'm the bus driver who splashes Carrie in the opening credits.

   They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken.

   My dentist said I grind at night. I said, I think the kids call it twerking now.

   COP: can you describe the man that attacked you?..... TEACHER: I don't know, CAN I describe him?...... COP: *heavy sigh* MAY you describe him

   Pro tip: buy the cheap vodka and run it through your Brita water filter a few times..

   This lady in Walmart is staring at me like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

   What if the Lottery is an institution to catch time travelers..?

   *stops to smell the roses* *steps in dog poop..

   It's National Beaver Day.

   Spandex: a Right, not a Privilege.

   A group of girls with a selfie stick is called a travesty.

   You had me at "hello," But lost me at "bae"

   Once upon a time a man was told to go f#ck himself and he lived happily everafter. . .

   "You gonna eat that?" My wife asks,,,, pointing to my words.