Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   SON: Yuck, there is a hair in my mouth. ME: Reminds me of HS when I ate our German exchange students pu- WIFE: *SMACK* ME: ...dding. Pudding.

   I really shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night especially because I walked there.

   They call it a "shower" because "aquatic masturbatorium" is too long.

   Marrying your high school sweetheart is like having your wedding reception at Applebees

   My wife's method of waking me up is pretty much the same as a solider waking up a prisoner of war.

   I would be at your side through anything, exepct a marathon.... screw that.

   Whipped cream is just like regular cream but can't do anything unless its girlfriend lets it.

   Nice try Bruce, but nobody over the age of 11 is named "Caitlyn"

   Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.

   Hot singles in your area wish you would turn up the air conditioning.

   [stands up in church] Okay I’m starting to think some of this stuff isn’t true you guys.

   If you ever look in the mirror and wonde if your look is still in style, remember there are still guys with pony tails so you're probably not that bad...

   I joined Farmersonly.com and I've already hooked up with my sister and 2 cousins!!

   I went grocery shopping hungry and I'm now the proud owner of aisles 6, 8, 9, 12, and most of the bakery.

   Suarez must be on a diet. He didnt bite anyone..*Dissapointed*

   The human heart is amazing. It can get hurt and in a few days it ready to get out and get some more pain.

   Blind belief is so often the death of reason.

   Nobody pissed me off today... I got to get out more.

   Oh, so you're religious? *backs away slowly*

   I think a UPS truck, is like the adult version of an ice cream truck.