Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We built this city on rock n roll, and BTW,,,,,The streets have no names. The midnight train only goes to Georgia. Every stairway climb to heaven.. *this town is a wreck.

   Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Nickelback song in it.

   All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

   Warning labels on liquor bottles should also include: REGRET.

   My stripper name is: Hold On, My Thong Is On Backwards Again

   Sometimes only carbohydrates can help.

   Fall in love? Is that when you like the same pizza toppings as someone else?

   Before I got in a relationship I never even knew it was possible to breathe wrong.

   People who play tough on the Internet are my favorite losers.

   If hearts were made to be broken then so were faces.

   I’m bringing sexy back for a refund.

   I enjoy long walks away from responsibility.

   You should just get a discount if a cashier makes small talk.

   I am calmer than Johnny Depp in a casting audition for a Tim Burton film.

   Got kicked out of the gym for crying again

   *Voted most likely to cause others to say,, "oh here we go"

   I mixed up my toothpaste and Preparation H......now I'm talking $hit but on the bright side, my farts are minty fresh

   Everything I know about sex I learned from internet porn. I hope to one day try buffering.

   Don’t trust everything you see. Even vodka can look like water.

   Every time one of my kids complains that the internet is slow, I feel like I'm not adequately preparing them for the real world...