Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kill that blower or blow that killer.... Whatever

   Apparently you have to eat healthy more than once to get in shape. This is cruel and unfair.

   My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

   I live with fear every day.....sometimes she lets me go fishing!

   Everytime Kayne is caught smiling he has to be a cheerleader at a college football game!

   Mar7hall vs BEiO They are back like 2 years ago.

   I have an appointment with a psychiatrist over some rental property I just acquired. I think I have an apartment complex.

   Why do we only crave what's bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I'd kill for some salad."

   Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?

   We just got a fax at work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

   What idiot called it "leaving right after sex" and not "nuts and bolts" ?

   Calm your tit. Just one tit. Leave your other one crazy and out of control. That's your party tit.

   Sending us to the couch is not as bad as you think it is ladies. It makes us feel manly... like we're camping... with an angry bear nearby.

   You know the ZZ Top song, Sharp Dressed Man? I stop singing after "every girls crazy"

   Proximo Gobernador de Antioquia

   Why don't you go live in one of those other nations jackass you wouldn't last 10 minutes

   There are some people you'll never see again, but they're never the right ones.

   Not to cause a panic but i'm starting to think we're running out of things to stuff inside pizza crust.

   I don't have a thigh gap because I have this other gap on my face where I put delicious foods and beverages.

   *learns the pole vault Jumps out of the friend-zone*