Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lets not judge a whole race by the actions of one mad man. Race generalization must stop.

   It's hard to find a good air guitar these days.

   I've decided I am a velociraptor trapped in a white man's body. I can't fight this feeling anymore, and have decided to get the surgery and have the killing claws implanted on my feet. I am trans-species, and I WILL win ESPN's Courage Award next year!!!

   Tropical storm Bill sucked so bad they've officially renamed it Tropical Storm Monica...

   I'm not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

   Hi you've reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn't be done over text

   [writing my first autopsy report].. There was a slight mix-up initially but as it turned out, this guy actually died from an accidental autopsy

   Day 44 without eating an apple,,,, doctors are following me everywhere. the police are powerless to intervene.

   What if I actually used to have a teenage son but his "I wish I was never born" wish came true after the fight we had when I asked him to take out the garbage? ...Take care son, Daddy loves you!

   Listen,,, "8 glasses a day" is a scare tactic used by Big Water to keep us dependent

   I don't like a sentence containing a word with first Capital letter in the middle of it. It has a clear bias.

   I injured my hip which is why I have thrust issues.

   Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpies. Then laugh all you want, but you'll still have herpies.

   I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn't where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.

   I called this family meeting because our DVR isn't big enough to hold 32 episodes of Micky Mouse Clubhouse and 8 soft core lesbo Cinemax movies.

   To save money, instead of going out to clubs, I just get drunk at home and yell "What?!?!?!" into a mirror over and over.

   I don't know what part of donating blood I like more, the free cookies or that I can get drunk faster afterwords.

   Instead of a tatoo, just get a KISS t-shirt and wear it every day until you die.

   "Come on down!!!! You're the next contestant on the Rice is White" ~ Asian game show.

   "I'll show you how moist I am if you eat me" ~ Brownies