Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *Voted most likely to cause others to say,, "oh here we go"

   I mixed up my toothpaste and Preparation H......now I'm talking $hit but on the bright side, my farts are minty fresh

   Everything I know about sex I learned from internet porn. I hope to one day try buffering.

   Don’t trust everything you see. Even vodka can look like water.

   Every time one of my kids complains that the internet is slow, I feel like I'm not adequately preparing them for the real world...

   Pays bills....... *Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity

   Women that watch football are the real MVP.

   Omg!! I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

   Who else was scared sh*tless of Unsolved Mysteries when you were little?

   Before I had a kid I thought,,,,, Gosh, I wish I could say "please put your shoes on" 17,000 times every morning.

   How many donut holes constitute a serving?... Please say 33. Please say 33..... I mean 34. Please say 34.

   Kids, just say no to drugs. Also, just say no if they ask you if daddy does drugs. - Me, if I had kids

   Mammogram sounds like a pet name for a great-grandmother

   What if born on planet earth is being sent to hell from another planet?

   I came, I saw, I got jiggy with it, I'm now discussing my options with a court appointed attorney.

   Happy labor day to those who actually have to work

   There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

   The new white Iphone is so white, that all Siri talks about is Pumpkin Spice Lattes, and it instagrams all of your food automatically.

   A recent survey indicates that nobody knows anyone anywhere who has ever participated in a recent survey.

   If a girl invites you upstairs for "coffee," first,, make sure she has coffee, you don't want to get up there and there's no coffee.