Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I knew the season was officially out of control when my dealer offered my pumpkin flavored crack...

   You just know the aliens' cell phones are going to be nicer than ours.

   Thre is a special place in hell for people who put ice cubes in wine.

   We've never met or spoken in person, so why should I be offended by your worthless opinion internet stranger?

   My safe word is yourhusbandishome.

   Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?

   Don’t waste your time arguing with strangers on the internet. Save that sh*t for your wife.

   310 people were killed and hundreds wounded in a stampede at the annual hajj in Saudi Arabia. What a waste of potential suicide bombers.

   *At Vision Center. Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see? Me: Well, I'd like to be able to see all of them. Ummm, that's why I'm here.

   According to WebMD, there's no cure for you're dead to me

   No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change

   Intellegent people are often ostracized and shunned by most in society because everyone else is either stupid, uneducated or lacking basic critical thinking skills.

   If you tell me you're going to bed and I see you sign into Facebook 10 minutes later... I totally understand.

   I totally get why women are attracted to men who ride motorcycles. Like you increase your chances of getting to have two husbands by a lot.

   People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone's eye they never seem to like it.

   Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

   "YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?" - guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

   I was in a gang once — we used to carry pocket knives & wear all green with blood-red bandanas around our neck. Wait, that was Boy Scouts.

   Don't forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

   Hipsters are what happens when you tell every child they are special