Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I doubt vodka’s the answer but it’s definitely worth a shot.

   How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?

   "Same Sh*t different day" doesn't describe the day. It describes your life.

   On the bright side, selfie sticks are also lightning rods.

   "Lets not judge a whole race by the actions of one mad man." All races are asssssshooole equally.

   My nickname at work is "I thought they fired you"

   Girlfriend is going out of town tonight .... Who wants to come over and ask a bunch of questions about the movie I'm watching?

   People can't drive. Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights. What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

   will take scientific advice from the pope when he takes religious advice from Stephen Hawking.

   Have you ever wonder if Donald Trump parts his pubic hair the same way? You will now.

   Sorry I replaced your pepper-spray with silly-string but you gotta admit the surprised look on that mugger's face was priceless...

   Damn, girl, are you Terms and Conditions? Because I just want to blindly agree to whatever you say.

   The inventor of the condom died today. Attendees of the funeral described it as "safe, but less enjoyable than other funerals."

   I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn't reach the toilet paper.

   Hubs: If you could sleep with... Me: THOR!!! Hubs: ...the fan off tonight, that'd be great. Me: Ohhhh...

   No more Game of Thrones for my husband. Every time I eat a donut he follows me around the house saying "Shame. Shame. Shame."

   In the wild of Alaska, large packs of Discovery Channel cameramen can be spotted drinking from the lakes that thaw out in the summer months.

   Did the shooting happen at westboro baptist church by any chance?

   I bet if Trump did get elected, he'd be able to comb over some of the financial problems we face.

   Somewhere out there there's a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you could breathe. I think some f you owe it an apology.