Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's almost noon and still nobody has peeled me a grape. Worst. Father's Day. Ever.

   I'm awkward. I don't apologize for it. Hi.

   It's HARD being this creepy.

   THEN MAYBE THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE MADE WORKOUT CLOTHES SO COMFORTABLE TO LAY AROUND IN

   When I love, I like to give it my ALL. Same when I don't love.

   Ladies, if your boyfriend can't drive a stick shift, you have a girlfriend ...

   A fun thing to do with when you're watching "JAWS" with someone is lean over halfway through and whisper "I think the shark did it."

   Don't blame the guns. A killer has a wide selection of tools to kill with. Control killers not guns.

   I'm not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.

   Cheer up LeBron. You did win the MVP after all. Most Visible Privates

   Do these boxers, this bag of chips, and couch make me look single?

   I say potato you say potato, another guy says potato, everyone starts chanting potato, the potato meeting was a huge success

   .What's your dog's handkerchief for? Is he robbing a stagecoach later?

   A new study shows that as people get older women retain memory better than men. This just proves that thing my wife told me...

   4:43am Neighborhood Watch Report: my neighbor gets a super creepy look on his face when he's sleeping.

   People who have a meme for every Facebook comment scare me more than serial killers.

   If you can't handle me at my worst you're probably good at setting boundaries.

   Contort my hands into gang signs before the rigor mortis sets in so I die legit

   To unsubscribe from our mailing list, please catch a wild bear and bring it to our headquarters where you will have to wrestle it and win

   I miss the days when if a person took a billion pictures of their own face, they would end up being institutionalized.