Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a guy don't text you back, he's probably reading the bible or volunteering at an animal shelter. Men don't cheat, idk who lied to y'all.

   Maybe I'm old school, but I like women with eyebrows actually made out of hair.

   I hate snakes, mainly because they have no feet- you could say I am lack-toes intolerant...

   The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

   The Middle East and Kim Kardashian's a$$ have a lot in common. Both are massive, have tons of oil, and have been invaded by the West.

   Our lazy neighbor cant even rake his yard without clutching his chest and falling down...

   I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I'm living in their attic...

   It's sad when your chances of winning the lottery are BETTER than getting a decent raise at work.

   I hate it when people say 'You don't need alcohol to have fun.' You don't need shoes to walk on gravel, but they help.

   I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.

   I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You've probably seen our poster.

   One day...Ima log onto social media and not see anything Kardashian/Jenner related. One day..

   CNN debate polls are in: Hillary 4% Sanders 6% Webb 2% Putin 70% Karl Marx 18%

   I get it ladies, I had abs before I had kids too.

   If you are caught speeding in Michigan, the police issue you Detroit Lions tickets.

   When Ellen DeGeneres gives away an automobile on her show she should call the segment "What Would You Do for a Blonde Dyke's Car?"

   I will still be nude when reading Playboy.

   I call bravo Sierra on distance makes the heart grow fonder. Distance makes you have to do dishes and cook and stuff.

   An SEC football season without Steve Spurrier? Isn't that sort of like a Prom without acne?

   Playboy doesn't show nudes. MTV doesn't play music videos. The Learning Channel makes you dumber. What happened to the world