Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when people ask me what I will be doing in 5 years. Come on guys, I don't have 2020 vision.

   My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

   I'm not really happy being a human. Is there a way to go a step back and be a monkey?

   *Nude Pic* INAPPROPRIATE *Black & White Nude Pic* ART

   It's time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops.

   The best thing about becoming a parent is that you don't have to pay $50 to get peed on anymore.

   Sometimes, I just want to leave everything behind and get hopelessly lost. *goes to Ikea*

   [ouija board] Who are you? *board begins spelling* G-R-E-E-N--M-A-R-I-O What the -- a Luigi Board?! W-A-H-O-O--I-T-S-A--M-E

   I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up

   Crazy how the Pointer Sisters say they're JUST burning doing the Neutron Dance like it's not a huge deal to catch fire from dancing

   Gardening would be a great hobby if I didn't hate plants or going outside or doing things

   girl jogging down the road in yoga pants. Of course I was checking it out. She knew to turn around and see if I was. Totally busted.

   some guy on the highway just flipped me off, I would have done it back but I would have had to put down my phone or candy bar. Wasn't worth it.

   What are they going to do now if they ever do a reboot of the Dukes of Hazzard?

   Father's Day....the most confusing day in the ghetto.

   girls that drive vans are sexy, just because you know they put out.

   If the only text you receive all day is from your phone company saying that you've exhausted your data for the month, you ugly.

   There should be cell phone chargers & free WiFi in waiting rooms instead of magazines & crappy TV.

   Ideas are cheap, execution matters.

   it bugs me when an ugly girl has her one hot friend in every profile pic. It took me 3 weeks to realize I friended the dud