Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

   Spoiler alert: I unplugged your fridge.

   I see the FB privacy hoax is back again. This should be a fun night

   Sweet Caroline..bah..bah...bah Good times never seemed so good..so good , so good..

   *Caterpillar marriage therapy... Wife: he's not the man I married...Husband flying around room: I'm the same on the inside Susan !!!

   The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.

   It's exactly like the elders described. "When the moon succumbs to the dragon..." something something what's on TV

   my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

   Top 3 Baby Names of 2020....1) "👌"... 2) "😜"... 3) "🚬"

   Handjobs from girls who speak sign language are technically blowjobs

   My phone autocorrected "pepperjack cheese" to "perpetual cheese" and I thought to myself "Hey, that doesn't sound so bad."

   Twenty percent of all relationships fail because someone buys a selfie stick.

   If Hell does exist, there are so many brilliant scientists in there it is probably air-conditioned by now...

   Oh wait, Donald Trump has a bible! Lets vote for him! He is legit!

   about as thug as a box of de-clawed kittens.

   Not sure if everyone knows how to play the harmonica or no one knows how to play the harmonica

   *strums guitar.. and this next one is called I Don't Care About Your Yoga Retreat,,, Susan

   My AT&T bill suggested that I should go paperless. Less paper=better environment. I sure Hope Charmin toilet paper doesn't say that soon!

   ME: If you could sleep with... SUSAN: JOHNNY DEPP !... ME:...the fan off tonight, that'd be great. SUSAN: ohhhhh...

   Sometimes I worry that I'm gonna run out of status material... Then I look around at my family and I'm like, naaa I'm good.