Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1497 of 6446

Motivate people to talk about themselves, but not to the extent they punch you.
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10-05-2015 17:51
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I think I might have an eating disorder. I got out of my car this morning at work, saw a pile of leaves and thought they were potato chips.
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10-05-2015 16:42
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Just reported a car stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the window were white
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10-05-2015 14:34
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My daughter is having a modern day wedding, no church... it is 2015...Break tradition. So the wedding will at a museum...
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10-05-2015 13:52 by Jitney
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I was in the backyard with my wife.A bird dropped its poo on her shoulder. She yelled: Disgusting. .. get me paper towel or toilet paper. I looked up in the sky and said: it is probably a mile away. Plus, birds do not wipe their aasss.
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10-05-2015 13:51 by Jitney
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She put her makeup on. I said : So this is how you become a ten. She said: So, this is why women leave you. Another one bites the dust.
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10-05-2015 13:49 by Jitney
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”I used to be the Internet!” – The Library
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10-05-2015 09:14 by Moose4242
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To the untrained eye, I'm quite handsome......
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10-05-2015 09:08 by Moose4242
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Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
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10-05-2015 08:53 by snotty
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Dear dryer, I think you have an eating disorder. Sincerely, now missing 13 socks.
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10-05-2015 08:51 by Moose4242
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If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you’d never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else’s phone. Ever.
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10-05-2015 08:45 by Moose4242
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All I'm saying judge is that the song Come on Eileen should have come with more specific instructions . ...
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10-04-2015 16:44
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These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
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10-04-2015 11:35
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It’s like I was put on this earth so unstable people have somebody to date.
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10-04-2015 11:31
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I've always wanted to walk up to a stranger and hand them a briefcase and say, "You know what to do"
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10-04-2015 11:28
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my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can't see the mailbox when she's backing up?
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10-04-2015 11:25
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Know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved when first dating? After 20 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
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10-04-2015 11:20
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I don't go to the gym, I like for things to work themselves out.
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10-04-2015 11:13
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Statistics Show That Criminals Commit Less Crime After They’ve Been Shot
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10-04-2015 10:48 by MWC
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Failed biology because apparently the answer to "what is commonly found in cells?" Isn't "Blacks and Mexicans"
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10-04-2015 06:13
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