Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: So, what do you do for a living? Her: I flip houses. Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

   If you hold an empty Old Spice bottle to your ear, you can hear your grandpa complaining that someone touched the thermostat.

   Your password must contain 2 capital letters, the pilot script from Friends, Hulk Hogans home phone number and an enlightenment spell

   Some of you ladies really need more practice hiding your crazy, at least until he marries you.

   If I was a secret Agent.. I'd probably tell everyone..

   If you don't drink, smoke or do drugs you may live long enough to be a real burden to loved ones. Please pass the wine.

   lam - where sex with a goat makes sense but eating a pig doesn't.

   Lorena Bobbitt moved to Russia. Her new name is Ivana Kutchacokov.

   I hate when people take my glasses and say "Wow! You really can't see!" I'm like no kidding. I don't take a person's wheelchair and say "Wow! You really can't walk!"

   If FanDuel would just run a few more commercials, I'd consider joining.

   Motivate people to talk about themselves, but not to the extent they punch you.

   I think I might have an eating disorder. I got out of my car this morning at work, saw a pile of leaves and thought they were potato chips.

   Just reported a car stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the window were white

   My daughter is having a modern day wedding, no church... it is 2015...Break tradition. So the wedding will at a museum...

   I was in the backyard with my wife.A bird dropped its poo on her shoulder. She yelled: Disgusting. .. get me paper towel or toilet paper. I looked up in the sky and said: it is probably a mile away. Plus, birds do not wipe their aasss.

   She put her makeup on. I said : So this is how you become a ten. She said: So, this is why women leave you. Another one bites the dust.

   ”I used to be the Internet!” – The Library

   To the untrained eye, I'm quite handsome......

   Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

   Dear dryer, I think you have an eating disorder. Sincerely, now missing 13 socks.