Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She said: "I miss the old you." I know that she meant the young me

   I love the surprised look on a woman's face when I tell her that she drew her eyebrows too high.

   My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree from the University of Phoenix.

   Remember, your neighbours aren't going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

   I never thought the thug life would involve so many bills.

   On Canada Day you are allowed to kiss a beaver; and Parks Canada can't do nothing about it ... it's in the constitution.

   I'm really starting to get along with this guy my wife turned me into.

   I wonder what America's bald-headed eagle could do to Canada's beaver?

   Exactly how is that Tennessee Hardware shop owner going to make that "NO G AYS ALLOWED!" sign work anyway? I mean how can he tell? Is there like a litmus test or some kind of g ay Deliverance hillbilly honor system we all don't know about?

   Didn't wanna say how hot it was in my room last night but 2 hobbits came round and threw a ring in it

   I just met a girl, she is very pretty, super nice and her bike seat smells like strawberries

   A Tennessee Hardware shop has put up a sign that says "No Gays Allowed". His homophobia is readily explained by the other sign in his shop "Today's Special: 25 cents for 12 inch screws!"

   Ask SIri "What is zero divided by zero", and get ready for a laugh.

   Out voted 1-1 by my wife again....

   Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it means to sit down and listen

   President's Day was in February you jack@$$...

   Notice how the KFC and the Burger King in Ferguson suffered no damages in the riots. Brother has gotta eat....

   President Obama just stepped out of the White House on this Presidents Day and seen his shadow. Looks like we're in for another year of bullshit....

   Too bad the Kardashians drove off into a snow ditch and not off a cliff....

   Accidentally went grocery shopping hungry and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 6...