Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shock collars, but for co-workers

   I need to take a time management course. How am I supposed to run drugs, steal jobs AND rape people? Help me Donald!

   I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.

   Toby Keith just threatened to "spank the siht" out Ariana Grande!

   This just in: Ariana Grande joins The Dixie Chicks.

   Dating Profile: I enjoy long walks on the beach, the equisite writings of Edgar Alan Poe, and watching chicks shove stuff up their poop pipe.

   BEWARE I bought the insanity workout series paid good money and I've watched it 5 times still haven't lost a pound. I'm gonna go get a BigMac and fries sit and watch it one more time! if I don't lose any weight I'm gonna take it back on the way to Dominos

   "No, size doesn't matter" She says removing the cover from the forearm sized gas powered vibrator.

   All of the best mistakes are worth making twice.

   Elon Musk (President of Tesla Motors) needs to change his name. He sounds like a new fragrance from Pierre Cardin.

   I have enough money to last the rest of my life. As long as I don't buy anything.

   What the Cialis commercial doesn't tell you is that the coolest thing about a 4-hour erection is having a place to hang your jacket.

   Bill Cosby is rebranding as a rapper called Quaaludacris.

   Some of my best sex moves happen cause I get a cramp in my leg,

   Now that she hates Americans, we know she's Ariana "not so" grande...

   What is an Ariana Grande? A drink from Starbucks?

   Went to Mcdonals and asked for a sad meal. What?!?!? Dont judge me, Sad people gotta eat too!

   Too bad you can't afford to straighten those fcuked up chompers. Nice tat's though...

   I blame Subway!! The kids had a better chance of outrunning Jared when he was fat......

   The husband asked if I've seen where his exfoliation sponge was,,, and now I'm waiting for our periods to sync.