Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”

   Realized I never said "unquote" after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I've said since is Shakespeare

   Bruce Jenner is Woman of the Year? That is great and all, real news would be when Obama becomes a a man against Putin...

   Are you single? No I am Album.

   If Hooters delivered would they be called Knockers?

   9 minutes ago Should I buy halloween candy or pay off my mortgage?

   I will judge you based on what your teen-aged daughter wears on Halloween

   Here's hoping that the new Star Wars trailer results in the Princess Leia metal binki costume trend coming back.

   For Halloween I'm going as a mom who sends her kids up to strangers' houses to beg for candy while she stands in the street drinking a beer.

   I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with a pocket knife and the contents of a woman's purse.

   Pro tip: If you really want to freak people out wear a Santa Claus suit as your Halloween

   When you're dead, you don't know you're dead and it's only painful and difficult for others. The same thing applies to when you're stupid...

   Crap, my Giga Pet just died.

   Sometimes "message failed to send," is your second chance.

   My therapist goes to her therapist five minutes after I leave.

   It's like grandma always said, "Buy a selfie stick and you're out of my will."

   *2025... There's only one smoker left in the world... The Quit Smoking ads on tv get personal.... HEY STEVE, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

   A good way to keep a secret from me is to leave it on my voicemail

   Date night with the wife tonight... It'll be nice to argue and fight in public for a change.

   I need a high quality Storm Trooper outfit. Not for Halloween. Just to wear around the house, go shopping in, and wear in the bedroom. Also need to get the wife an R2D2 costume for the same purpose...ok mostly for the bedroom.