Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll sleep when you're dead.

   I'm the irrelevance in the room.

   You know those people that put a basket on their bike for their dog to ride along? Same but for tequila bottles

   I bet if I flashed my hand grenade this guy would let me merge

   I wear running shoes so I look like I'm going places.

   I am just surprised your mouth isn't foot-shaped.

   Apparently today is Mother-In-Law day. Who knew

   When the cashier said "Strip down facing me" how was I supposed to know she meant my debit card?

   The streets will run red with the blood of my enemies is probably something I shouldn't have said out loud at the neighborhood watch meeting

   The thing I miss most about being in a relationship is making someone cry.

   HALLOWEEN PRO TIP.... put on your costume then over top of it do the classic ghost blanket costume....go trick-or-treating as a ghost then take the blanket off & go a 2nd round as the other costume you wore underneath....double candy

   You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a regular pigeon.

   I feel kinda sorry for Lamar Odom. Imagine the horror of waking up from a coma and the first thing you see is a Kardashian.

   ..... Canada ..... Leading the world in being just north of the United States

   Even if your not successful in life , You are guaranteed to get two certificates

   My therapist is letting me drink alcohol in my therapy session today, and by that I mean I'm drinking and watching Dr Phil.

   A lot of people don't realize that Shania Twain's father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.

   If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I'd still be like, "aww."

   For Halloween I’m handing out office supplies that I’ve stolen from work..paper clips..pencils..erasers..pens..toilet paper..hand sanitizer..Kleenex..Cigars.

   Let's refer these annoying mereeecans as south Canadians. Game set match