Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.

   Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been 35 years since my last confession, and I only ended up here because I thought it was the bathroom...Amen

   I always fist bump the cashier whenever my card doesn't get declined.

   Ribbed condoms taste nothing like ribs

   You sound like someone I'd drown in a toilet.

   I'm a big advocate of the 'You started it' method of defense in an argument.

   It's not a competition until you both go off your meds

   Not everyone is with the person they wanted. Some are just with the only person that would have them.

   Starting my weekend off right with a simmering rage. It's a beautiful day for violence!

   Ever watch the tv show 2 broke girls and get jealous of their bank account

   I have googled "does my dog really love me" more than twice

   Soooooo my Black friend just got mad at me, cause I called him a slave. Seriously, I was just yanking his chain!!

   In the movie "No Escape". The whites are saved by the Vietnamese. Karma beeyach

   Look out Taylor Swift, I'm going to produce my first musical soundtrack. Music for cats, my first song will be the sound of a can opener. I already see it going gold!

   Ok let me get this straight.....bacon is junk food and causes cancer. I do declare the Pigs have watched to many Chik-fil-a commercials and have concocted a diversion. What do you all think? Sounds suspicious? O.o nice play piggy nice play!

   "Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."

   Just answer my question: Is it worth putting pants on for?

   Missed connection: You were at the gym. I wasn't.

   Watching people breathe gives me motion sickness.

   Sober me:"I'll have a salad, please." Drunk me:"I need 3 cheeseburgers, 4 orders of fries, 75 chicken nuggets and 82 sides of ranch."