Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tried meditating once but ended up taking a really great nap.

   My Psychiatrist is getting tired of starting our sessions with "Why do you think they unfollowed you?"

   It's not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.

   My mom told me she had Five Guys for lunch today."

   You would be amazed how little you can trust people these days...

   We should just invite ISIS over to help us purge our history for us, they are great at it...

   If I end up doing something really cool or funny there’s an 80% chance it was on accident

   *Putting gas in car... $19.97... *stops..(gently).. $ 19.98... (very gently)... $19.99... *Ok, once more...(deep breath).... $37.63... GODDAMMIT

   It's so hot outside,, that other people's balls are sticking to my legs.

   Breaking news: 50 Cent is looking to play a gig for Nickleback.

   50 cent is broke wants to be called 5 cent now

   Hey Youtube, you've got a grammatical error on your website... Its "You WILL skip ad in 5 seconds"... not, "You CAN skip ad in 5 seconds"

   If you think you're having a bad day just remember, at least you're not receiving death threats by one of the world most powerful drug lord.

   Another day ruined by responsibly

   My Man Crush Monday is: Obama. I hope a rock falls, and crushes his head.

   Trump was missing from Miss Universe contest. Did El Chapo's escape have anything to do with it, being a mexican?

   50 cents files for bankruptcy. That's all he had to his name

   So 50 Cent is all he's worth now?

   If your girlfriend has a friend that annoys you, don't tell her to stop being friends with her. Just casually mention how pretty she is.

   May order Greek delivery for dinner tonite. Plan to just tell the driver what I'm prepared to pay.....