Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald's find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

   Just saw someone in Wall mart with a Bluetooth, it was his only tooth

   When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?

   I figured out Victoria's Secret. She's hungry.

   Well another day has passed, and I haven’t used algebra once.

   If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.

   what does having kids and having tattoo have in common? ever idiot thinks they are special for having one

   You can tell a lot about someone by the way they don't apologize.

   At what age do we start saying Congratulations instead of "OH CRAP" when someone says they are pregnant ?

   My safeword is Pineapple

   My personalities entertain me more than any group of friends could .

   This No-Shave November is just a guy thing right? I'm not a big fan of surprises.

   I just gave my "friends list" a good douching. It's been a while, and it was getting a little funky with all of those people in there.

   My legs have decided to take part in 'no shave November'... By the looks of things they started in September.

   I may not be great in bed, but I should at least get a participation medal after sex.

   I am not saying she is ugly but if she had kids, I wouldn't want one of her puppies

   someone needs to tell Wyclef he can come back now

   It’s nice how your Selfies accentuate your instability.

   It's like I tell my kids, "don't cry over spilled milk, cry over daddy's inability to keep up with our mortgage payments."

   If you take a trip around the world and calculate the different time zones just right, you can pick yourself up from the airport