Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Hillary Clinton couldn't satisfy her husband. What makes her think she can satisfy the country?" -Monica Lewinsky

   Your lips are saying "No", but your rape whistle is saying "maybe".

   *stretches condom over foot* "Of course I know how to do the sex, but why don't you go ahead and tell me so that I know you know"

   I keep a glass of water on the nightstand in case I want to get up in the middle of the night and spill something on my phone.

   I love living in a small town where everyone is so friendly, unless you are from a differnt town or have a differing opinion.

   A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he's just there to touch your boobs.

   The "Lift" scene in Dirty Dancing, but me and my first beer after work.

   Auto Mechanic: Well, looks like you blew a seal. Penguine Eating Icecream: *Wips beak with flipper* Oh, no. That's just vinalla ice cream.

   Maybe suicide bombers get 72 virgin daquiri's. You don't know.

   I've never eaten Wookie, but I bet its Chewy

   We are only a few UFC matches away from two men getting each other pregnant.

   The average whale swallows 8 octopuses in its sleep every year.

   "Waht if we just throw some pretty-colord marshmellows in with some cat food?" ~ Invetors of Lucky Charms

   In memory of the fallen Marines who were killed. You've served well and won't be forgotten. Rest in Peace Marines and Semper Fi!!

   [Stares deeply into my wifes' eyes before going to the bathroom]... "I counted those fries Susan."

   It's always awkward ending phone calls with people you love. I always say, "I love you" and they're like "Thank you for choosing Domino's Pizza."

   Just in one of those “Curl up and watch 25 episodes of ‘Small Wonder’ ” kinda moods.

   Amazon's Prime Day: An experiment in quantifying disappointment. #primeday

   Dis anybody no how to use gramar or speling on dis sight? wholly flick!

   Clinton passed a law disarming soldiers on bases. Makes total sense right?