Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's way too much religion in the South to be consistent with good mental health.~ George Carlin

   You are a soul driving a meat-covered-skeleton made of stardust hurtling through space on an organic spaceship. Fear nothing.

   Any female singer not named Adele shouldn't spend a lot of time writing her Grammy acceptance speech...

   Jared fogle got 15 1/2 years in prison. Ironically, that's the same age he likes his woman.

   dont know who this lady ISIS is but she must be one crazy B ****

   Life is about what you do after the knock happens.

   If you lived in Mountain View CA you wouldn't need the internet you can just stop by Google and ask them questions in person.

   The deep freeze of winter has finally arrived. It's that time of year when most women and Bruce Jenner say thank God for padded bras.

   Refusing to accept refugees is not cold and heartless. I lock my doors every night; not because I hate the people on the outside but because I love the people on the inside.

   I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could've been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.

   "Luke, I am your father." - Darth Vader, after Luke won the lottery.

   *discretely cancels date with Charlie Sheen*

   Adulthood is looking both ways before you cross the street then getting hit by an airplane.

   So. . . If ISIS is contained, like obama says, why can't the refugees all go home?

   Most of the time my life is going great, the other times I am just sober.

   My4FavoriteThings: 1) Long walks on the beach... 2) Long walks back to the car.. 3) Long walks on the beach looking for car keys.. 4) Long waits for AAA

   With all the negativity on the internet lately its nice to Charlie Sheen is positive...

   I seriously doubt Dire Straits are still getting their chicks for free.

   The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

   Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by religious fanatics