Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

   For my sister’s 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

   This coat I’m wearing is a present from my wife; I came home early one night and there it was, hanging over a chair.

   Come on people! It's 2015...you should know by now how to NOT use the 'Reply to All' in an email.

   disappointed what had happened on Black Friday! Fully condemned the action

   If you have trouble remembering every mistake you've ever made, just pour your mom 3 glasses of wine.

   always a man drinking a Crush on a Monday.....never a man crush Monday

   I'm either going to go broke today, or save a lot of money...#CyberMondayProblems

   Аliens would laugh if they knew the smartest spесies on the planet still kills each other over religion.

   This guy just climbed through a thicket of waist-high shrubbery to avoid walking past me. That's the kind of anti-social I aspire to be.

   I listen to gangsta rap sprinkled with a little Adele. Will I murder you? Will I buy you a puppy? You never know.

   I paid 4 the lady in front of me at Starbucks. She hugged me. Deciding when it's the right time 2 tell her I hit her car in the parking lot.

   *arrives at hospital carrying a tiny chair... " Ummmm, Yes,,,, Where would you like my stool sample?"

   "You promise you didn't get me bees again?"............ [me from a distance].... JUST OPEN IT

   I like big PUTTS & I can not lie,,, You other golfers can't deny,,, When a ball rolls in with a slow topspin & the caddy moves the pin, you get PAR

   NYC Detective: One of you is an octopus,,,, who is it?... *Everyone points at me.... Including Susan, with all eight of her arms*

   The Dallas Cowboys finally made it through a Sunday without losing.

   The Dallas Cowboys today announced Al Bundy as their new starting Quarterback.

   Just tried to make out with my wife on the couch. It was like trying to give a cat a bath.

   ***LATEST SOCIAL MEDIA GAME~~~ Inbox me your Bank Account or Credit Card number (be sure to give me the expiration date and 3 digit security code) and I will post in my status which bill or Christmas gift I used it for. Let's play!!!