Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1469 of 6446

No matter how long a 'civilization' has existed, there just is no way to bring class to the classless.
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11-18-2015 07:23
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No matter your sexual preferences, your skin color, your religious belief, your origin, if I see you drowning in a lake I will do my best to rescue you at the risk of being hooked and dragged at the bottom in the process. That's what humans are for.
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11-18-2015 00:32
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I see that Charlie Sheen's planning a humanitarian trip to Syria. He says he wants to show them what a real disaster looks like.
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11-17-2015 21:17
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If someone tells you they don't like bacon, you should just stop talking to them. No one needs that kind of negativity in their lives.
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11-17-2015 20:03
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Every person on the bus thinks they have the coolest style for pulling the stop cord. Chill people, you are just pulling a frickin' cord. Plus, my way is way cooler.
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11-17-2015 18:46
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Just sitting here and realized that the old Bob Seger song 'Fire down below" is not about contracting an STD. Bummer
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11-17-2015 18:22
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Trillions of stars. Billions of galaxies. So many civilizations. But you’ll never explore one. You’re stuck here on earth hearing about these damn religion wars
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11-17-2015 15:09
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No, I don't have a bathrobe. I'm not some billionaire.
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11-17-2015 14:14
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There are those that I would like to take a shower with, those that I wouldn't, and those that I'd like to see take a shower with my toaster.
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11-17-2015 13:55
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Sometimes I can hear the toaster in the other room asking to have a bath with me
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11-17-2015 12:49
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Facebook allows me to reconnect with my old musician friends. I'm surprised at how many of them wound up living the American dream. They married women with steady incomes.
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11-17-2015 12:47 by Mickey
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Never mess with someone who has access to your toothbrush.
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11-17-2015 11:21 by Nipper
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Finally something positive about Charlie Sheen...
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11-17-2015 10:11 by eengrms
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I changed my FB profile pic for the France flag. Terrorism defeated.
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11-17-2015 07:10
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15 km run 50 laps of the pool yoga on the beach fresh fruit salad all before 6:30am is what fit healthy people like to do Me : I'm just waiting for the all you can eat buffet breakfast to consume copious amounts of bacon.... ** Your body is a temple **

I do not know what "high fives" are but I've become more and more proficient at blocking these overhead strikes you're trying to hit me with
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11-17-2015 00:18
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Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
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11-17-2015 00:11
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Nothing says clinically insane quite like having Multiple Facebook Accounts.
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11-17-2015 00:03
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So you can catch HIV from being in Two and a Half Men
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11-16-2015 21:55 by Jeff W
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Finding out Charlie Sheen tested positive for HIV is like finding out Bob Marley tested positive for marijuana.
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11-16-2015 20:40 by CrackY
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