Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When terrorists parents have to use the, "Open wide, here comes the airplane!" technique, do they just smash it in their face and make explosion noises?

   She enjoys long romantic scrolls on her phone. But still claims to be in touch with reality.

   Thanksgiving is that one special day where an innocent man on Death Row gets to turn on the TV and watch the President pardon a Turkey. 454 retweets 986 likes

   *walks into the liquor store* What kind of black Friday deals yall got going on?

   I've heard enough of this Black Friday crap. The sooner we realize that all Fridays matter the better off we'll be as a society.

   Black Friday: That day we spend hundreds of dollars on material goods to celebrate the birth of a man who didn't believe in material goods.

   When you have a mouthful of turkey and someone says "Let us pray."

   Sorry Can't....I'm Writing "Dora The" on every Ford Explorer in this mall parking lot.

   Wife: do you think I'm fat?”... Me: Moooooo.... * Hmmmm,,, My phones Autocorrect is trying to kill me.

   All this time I thought Adele was singing about Aloe.

   Can't figure out if my Granddad is defusing a bomb or trying to answer his cell phone. It's tense!.. "The green one Gampy,, not the Red one!"

   (1620).. We Indians will bury the hatchet and teach you to farm...*Pilgrims huddle* It's a ruse,, this soil looks awful for growing hatchets.

   "Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?"... Here's 10 reasons why I should get the job... "OK"... Number 7 will shock you..."You're hired"

   One hell of a Tuba lesson today. I nailed it.... [Anne Franks last diary entry]

   Ummmm, yes,,, I need to return this Taylor Swift calendar.. After 4 dates, it fell apart and wrote a vicious song about me.

   I enjoy long romantic scrolls on my phone.

   *Turns on phone and responds to "Happy Thanksgiving" texts all day*... ~misses Thanksgiving dinner~

   If only fans of celebrities, football, rock concerts etc would get as excited about racism, injustice, poverty, illegal wårs..man would be live in a better place

   no really what are reindeer games ?

   so is anybody in the bathroom,drinking wine out of a red solo cup, hiding from the family yet?