Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After spending years trying to find a good therapist, I can now recommend a great one. His name is Captain Morgan.

   The Definition Of Toilets: The one and only thing Obama is qualified to do, is clean toilets. . .

   Did the widows and Orphans get government funded sexchanges to look like 6 foot bodybuilders?

   No matter how long a 'civilization' has existed, there just is no way to bring class to the classless.

   No matter your sexual preferences, your skin color, your religious belief, your origin, if I see you drowning in a lake I will do my best to rescue you at the risk of being hooked and dragged at the bottom in the process. That's what humans are for.

   I see that Charlie Sheen's planning a humanitarian trip to Syria. He says he wants to show them what a real disaster looks like.

   If someone tells you they don't like bacon, you should just stop talking to them. No one needs that kind of negativity in their lives.

   Every person on the bus thinks they have the coolest style for pulling the stop cord. Chill people, you are just pulling a frickin' cord. Plus, my way is way cooler.

   Just sitting here and realized that the old Bob Seger song 'Fire down below" is not about contracting an STD. Bummer

   Trillions of stars. Billions of galaxies. So many civilizations. But you’ll never explore one. You’re stuck here on earth hearing about these damn religion wars

   No, I don't have a bathrobe. I'm not some billionaire.

   There are those that I would like to take a shower with, those that I wouldn't, and those that I'd like to see take a shower with my toaster.

   Sometimes I can hear the toaster in the other room asking to have a bath with me

   Facebook allows me to reconnect with my old musician friends. I'm surprised at how many of them wound up living the American dream. They married women with steady incomes.

   Never mess with someone who has access to your toothbrush.

   Finally something positive about Charlie Sheen...

   I changed my FB profile pic for the France flag. Terrorism defeated.

   15 km run 50 laps of the pool yoga on the beach fresh fruit salad all before 6:30am is what fit healthy people like to do Me : I'm just waiting for the all you can eat buffet breakfast to consume copious amounts of bacon.... ** Your body is a temple **

   I do not know what "high fives" are but I've become more and more proficient at blocking these overhead strikes you're trying to hit me with

   Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?