Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Detroit Lions have been getting killed for years and no one is protesting!!

   They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one... Susan

   My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice

   Studies show that marijuana use is up in this room over 11 minutes ago.

   Oh sweetie, 19 year olds aren't "hot moms". Your just a teenager that got knocked up. Try again when you're 40.

   Violently cry singing Queen's Somebody To Love is my cardio.

   There are three sure signs of getting old. The first is loss of memory. I forget the other two. -

   Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

   As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.

   I want to die the same way I was born. Naked and inside of something Wet..

   "Sealed for your protection!" Should actually read, "Sealed to make your life difficult!"

   By law We should be allowed to run over one cyclist a month..

   Science Fun Fact: It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light or get higher than Snoop Dogg.

   Maury would be out of business had the polygraph never been invented.

   Asked my 4 if she'd like to take karate. She said she already does karate... *A smart person would have realized a demonstration was coming.

   Hi. I am the only Caucasian on the planet that doesn't care about Game of Thrones or how many Emmy nominations it has.

   I believe that society is ready for a return to dueling.

   By the 5th kid, you allow stuff like wearing swim goggles all day

   DOG MAGICIAN: Think of a color, any color...is it...gray?...... AUDIENCE OF DOGS: Oh, my god,,, How does he do it??

   Life? Listen to me, kid... You only have to watch River Monsters once,, for your Netflix recommendations to be in shambles