Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you've ever seen a foal being born then you pretty much know what it looks like to watch me get out of a beach chair.

   While you're out partying, I'm playing Connect Four with Thin Mints, by myself. Who's the loser now? Not me I've won 5 sleeves times in a row.

   Here is my panic room. Over there is my slightly anxious room, and next to the foyer is my complete mental breakdown room.

   Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta

   Was asked to join the Optimist Club the other day but I just had this feeling that no good would come of it.

   I have nothing in common with people that think about work when they're at home. I don't even think about work when I'm there.

   Diet status: Discovered that a Pringles can fits exactly into the cup holders of my truck today.

   I like using those "family restrooms" because everyone can sit on the toilet together.

   Tomorrow's assignment: end every conversation with "Thank you for teaching me how to love again."

   Walk up in da club like YAY! I just reached my FitBit step goal!!

   Ask your doctor "if shutting the hell up " is right for you

   So I'm on my knees holding myself wondering why I asked that little kid a minute ago if they took karate

   Episode 21: MacGyver fixes his broken heart using nothing but a lighter, a spoon, and a syringe full of heroin.

   •_•) <) )╯Tee / \ (•_•) \( (> gee / \ (•_•) <) )╯eye / \ (•_•) <( (> eff / \

   I guess our first date went pretty much like most of them do. After some drinks, she excused herself to go to the bathroom. That was in May.

   Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.

   A blow job is just like a regular job excpet men love coming to it.

   A blow job a day keeps the "YOU SPENT HOW MUCH?!?!" away.

   This hooker is acting like this is the first time anyone has ever pulled a gun on her. What a newb.

   Of all the things I learned in High School, how to hide an erection has proven to be the most beneficial in my career.