Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don't think you're supposed call people that any more."

   Women are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, "At least you'll finally have 2 kids by the same father."

   Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.

   So Megan Fox Is single this is my chance

   I hope all of the ladies out there get to be with the man of your memes.

   Relax Jared. You will still be able to get all of the footlongs that you want in prison

   My name means pathological liar in Slovenian.

   Revenge so sweet it gave me a toothache

   So Bruce Jenner heard the woman gets everything in the divorce he showed her and became one too.

   During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.

   I'm 0-11 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.

   I've had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastids still haven't grown any crops.

   The only thing that gets turned on when I get naked is the shower.

   When I think of you I touch myself. On my temples. You give me a migraine.

   Do these celebrities actually expect us to believe they're using boxed DIY hair color? Please....

   To the 42 friends that are currently available to chat at 3:11 in the afternoon... Get a job you losers! Oh, wait...

   Amid new revelations that Hillary's private email server was located in a restroom, investigation is underway how it was wiped clean.

   News just in: Hillary's private email server was located in a restroom. Clinton vows to get to the bottom of this.

   Girl logic: If I just ignore him he'll leave me alone. Guy logic: She hasn't told me to f*ck off yet so she must be interested.

   If you are not naked you're not feeling the vibe today