Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been asked to join the Mossad, they offer great pay and a chance to travel, but I have to get a "procedure" done first.

   Life's a piano and I'm wearing boxing gloves

   You can tell a lot about a person by what they're willing to do during conjugal visits.

   You may not get what you want from me, but you'll never forget me.

   The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."

   If you watch Cinderella backwards its about a woman who learns her place.

   I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I'll be notified immediately.

   Winning the NFC East this year is like getting a participation trophy.

   Math Quiz: 200,000 Syrian refugees x 10% estimated terrorists = how many ISIS terrorists? According to Obama's math education program, the answer is Zero

   Have you asked yourself "Why is it that the "most transparent administration in history" can't tell you where it's hiding the Syrian refugees and Illegals it's sending around the country?

   How many Syrian refugees will be let in before you are beheaded?

   Don't look now, but your Secret Santa is watching you!

   Seriously, fucktards. Zuckerburg isn't giving anyone 4.5 mill. You're just embarrassing yourself.

   You don't always need a plan Bro, Sometimes you just need Balls . Harden the f*ck up

   You don't alwayds have a Plan, Sometimes you just got to have balls

   Why did the semen cross the road ? Cause I wore the wrong socks today ...

   It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

   If Bruce Jenner can keep his weiner and be considered a woman, I can keep my guns and be considered unarmed.

   Kim and Kanye name their newborn son Saint West because it will take a miracle for him to turn out normal.

   I don't like to make plans too far in advance because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.