Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The proper response to "Good Morning" is "Yeah? Prove it!"

   I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

   Welcome to Disproportionate Body Parts Club.... If there's any suggestions, I'm all ears.

   "Mirror, mirror; on the floor.... Who's got the biggest hemorrhoids of them all?"

   To any American who wants a better life, leave the country, denounce your US citizenship and come back as an illegal immigrant. . .

   "Is that your dog?".... "No, actually she's adopted... We were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves"

   Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

   For my sister’s 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

   This coat I’m wearing is a present from my wife; I came home early one night and there it was, hanging over a chair.

   Come on people! It's 2015...you should know by now how to NOT use the 'Reply to All' in an email.

   disappointed what had happened on Black Friday! Fully condemned the action

   If you have trouble remembering every mistake you've ever made, just pour your mom 3 glasses of wine.

   always a man drinking a Crush on a Monday.....never a man crush Monday

   I'm either going to go broke today, or save a lot of money...#CyberMondayProblems

   Аliens would laugh if they knew the smartest spесies on the planet still kills each other over religion.

   This guy just climbed through a thicket of waist-high shrubbery to avoid walking past me. That's the kind of anti-social I aspire to be.

   I listen to gangsta rap sprinkled with a little Adele. Will I murder you? Will I buy you a puppy? You never know.

   I paid 4 the lady in front of me at Starbucks. She hugged me. Deciding when it's the right time 2 tell her I hit her car in the parking lot.

   *arrives at hospital carrying a tiny chair... " Ummmm, Yes,,,, Where would you like my stool sample?"

   "You promise you didn't get me bees again?"............ [me from a distance].... JUST OPEN IT