Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1456 of 6446

My condolences to you and your family who's grandmother was actually ran over by a reindeer....I understand your grief, and the pain from the yearly reminder from the inconsiderate song....
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12-03-2015 00:12
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I miss the good old days when “self-checkout” was faster and less complicated and called “shoplifting.”
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12-02-2015 23:53
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I tell you,The high cost of living ain't nothing like the cost of living high !
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12-02-2015 22:13
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*looks at calendar*.. *looks at stomach*. *looks at calendar*.. Guess I'm telling people I'm pregnant again this Christmas.
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12-02-2015 15:11 by snotty
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*Poops without drinking coffee first*.... it's a FESTIVUS miracle
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12-02-2015 14:55 by snotty
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Did you know,, the 'ueue' in 'queue' is silent?
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12-02-2015 14:53 by snotty
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Fact: an Owl's head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
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12-02-2015 14:51 by snotty
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[At the zoo] Llama spits in my face,, I spit in llamas face,, Llama slaps me,, I grab llamas hair,, Scuffle ensues,, Llamas girlfriend shouts "leave it Gary!"
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12-02-2015 14:34 by snotty
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Dear Liver: This month is gonna be tough. hang in there and stay strong buddy.
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12-02-2015 13:59 by Czovczov
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They called it boxing because fisting was already taken.

I can only assume the next 4 weeks are incredibly difficult for people who's grandmother's were actually run over by reindeer. ..
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12-02-2015 06:56 by SEAN
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The dream if free. The hustle is sold separately.
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12-01-2015 23:50
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My daughter's school was closed for fog??... Hey,, Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & my principal would be like... "Ummm,, 2-hour delay"
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12-01-2015 19:35 by snotty
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*gets pulled over... COP: "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"... [I've swapped places with the dog]... ME: "Jake, answer the man"
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12-01-2015 19:28 by snotty
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What valuable lesson did you learn from the chubby white B-list comedian on the stool?
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12-01-2015 16:27
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welcome to HIdDen mEssages club. please help yourself To tHE snacks By the dOor and we’ll get starteD shortlY.
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12-01-2015 15:43 by snotty
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you know your not much of a Christmas shopper anymore, when your still using some of the same wrapping paper you had 3 years ago . 🎁 🎁🎁 🎁
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12-01-2015 14:18
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In 2015, if you're dreaming of a white Christmas, you're a racist.
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12-01-2015 14:07
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Anti-psychotics, but for religious fanatics.
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12-01-2015 13:06
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When I was a kid I was afraid of the dark. Now when I see my electric bill I'm afraid of the lights.
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12-01-2015 11:01
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