Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1456 of 6384
More coffee, less people please.
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08-24-2015 09:28 by Baddie
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Happy National Waffles day. Waffles are just pancakes with abs!
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08-24-2015 07:22
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It’s so nice outside, I should probably close the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen.
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08-23-2015 20:55
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"Lazy" is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
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08-23-2015 20:55
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Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We'll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
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08-23-2015 20:54
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identifies as a tranzmillionaire. A rich man trapped in a poor man's body. Can we rectify this situation?
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08-23-2015 14:58
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"Sometimes I feel I don't belong here." Me, on planet earth
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08-23-2015 11:52
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It's cool how our pinky finger evolved into a cell phone stand...
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08-23-2015 11:41 by eengrms
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You ever felt like a fool, by waving your hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic. Other folks in the rest room think you are a ninja of something....
99% of being an adult is basically just not being mean to people you don't like anymore
My favorite part about being an adult is thinking about how stupid I was as a child for wishing I was an adult.
I come from a long line of successful people. I decided to stop that tradition.
Sorry I'm late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
what you call 10 commandments, I call common sense.
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08-22-2015 10:22
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Remember these 3 things: If you're a man, never take marital advice from Josh Duggar. Ladies, don't accept drinks from Bill Cosby & couples, don't let Jared Fogle babysit your kids.
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08-22-2015 08:30
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Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
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08-21-2015 19:28
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Her: We need to talk Me: how do you keep getting that duct tape off?
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08-21-2015 18:52
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Commercials for PizzaRolls would be more realistic if they had the kids screaming in agony as they burned their mouths on the cheese filling..
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08-21-2015 15:22
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Some times I just want to control alt delete my life and hit Esc. . .
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08-21-2015 14:24 by JAB
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Letting your date use your phone charger, even though you're at 25%, is the 21st century equivalent of putting your coat over a puddle.
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08-21-2015 13:38
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