Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time…

   The IBS drug commercial that mentions "urgent diarrhea" implies there's also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I've never had?.... IDK

   You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!

   When I was a kid, We were so poor the floor wasn't even lava,,, it was just kinda warm

   Digging through a box in the closet and I found a picture of me sitting on Santa's lap. Hard to believe that was almost 2 years ago.

   Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.

   OMG .... this is the Last Time I invite Frosty the Snowman to one of my Parties ............. all he has done all Night is Mess with the Damn Thermostat ...... who does that?!

   I'm starting to doubt that all of the people in this singing group are called Carol.

   Don't forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

   Hey, parents of an ONLY child considering having one more,, know that I just split an M&M in half........ An M&M...... in HALF

   Different set of tracks. Same old train wreck.

   pulled my groin playing reindeer games!

   I'll believe Jimmy Carter's brain cancer is gone when I hear it from someone who doesn't have brain cancer.

   If Bill Cosby were black he'd be in jail by now.

   What happens when you solve a Rubik's cube? Does it explode into Skittles or am I wasting my time?

   This woman just flipped me off and I couldn't agree more.

   I heard Justin Bieber is going transgender to become a man. He is going to use the name Bruce Jenner. He has already been awarded 936 man of the year awards too

   Does a redhead with whiskey in her pocket qualify as rye n ginger?

   Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.

   "Kiss me" she said. "Kiss me like I've never been kissed before"....So I crammed my tongue up her nose.