Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you ever turned the radio station and the same song was on..happened to me

   If you're an adult, you don't have haters. You're just a showoff .

   Nothing makes a room feel emptier than wanting someone in it. J

   Fruit flies. Is there anything nowadays that isn't gay?

   Stevie wonder is blind and can play the piano but I can't get a text back 😒

   Underwear is for pussies See what I did there? .. Sigh.. Brilliant

   My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I'm sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.

   Some days, all I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask. That is all.

   I heard that breathing can give you cancer.

   Just watched an entire TV show without being on my phone just like they did on the Mayflower.

   Took a quiz "Which Sex and the City character are you?" Turns out I'm the bus driver who splashes Carrie in the opening credits.

   They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken.

   My dentist said I grind at night. I said, I think the kids call it twerking now.

   COP: can you describe the man that attacked you?..... TEACHER: I don't know, CAN I describe him?...... COP: *heavy sigh* MAY you describe him

   Pro tip: buy the cheap vodka and run it through your Brita water filter a few times..

   This lady in Walmart is staring at me like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

   What if the Lottery is an institution to catch time travelers..?

   *stops to smell the roses* *steps in dog poop..

   It's National Beaver Day.

   Spandex: a Right, not a Privilege.