Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How to prepare tofu. Step one: throw it in the trash. Step two: grill some meat.

   Careful creampuff, I drink coffee stronger than your feelings.

   If liar’s pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more interesting.

   I’m old school, I still believe in respect.

   Cain killed Abel with a rock, God blamed Cain, not the rock.

   If you ground up everyone in the world, it would create a meatball the size of Central Park.

   I should be ashamed of my behavior, but to be clear, I am not.

   How many of you are 12 years old and playing with your mother’s phone while she’s asleep?

   Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep screwing me.

   LGBTQ=Lets Get Biden To Quit !

   Orion's Belt is a huge waist of space. OK, bad joke. Only three stars.

   Filled my car up with gas and tried to pay with my flexible spending card. The attendant said it can only be used for medical issues. I said the price of gas makes me sick. Apparently that doesn't qualify

   You can't sell electric cars if gas is cheap. If you don't think that's part of the plan, you're not paying attention.

   A hundred years ago everyone had horses and only the rich had cars. Now everyone owns a car and only the rich have horses.

   Trying to intentionally lose a game of Rock Paper Scissors is just as difficult as trying to win.

   I have an open marriage in the sense that I'm allowed to open my mouth as long as I don't say anything stupid

   I like to put Aunt Jemima next to the Uncle Ben in my pantry. I'm hoping for a love connection.

   If you ever need someone to look like a complete idiot in your photographs, I'm your guy.

   The word is “butter,” go spread the word.

   Martian: “Take us to your leader.” Me: No! You wouldn’t believe it.