Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing describes my love life more than watching a declawed cat trying to scratch the sofa

   I judge the quality of my Facebook posts by how often my name comes up in therapy with your shrink.

   The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of an iPhone is that I can afford the old one.

   We built this city on rock n roll, and BTW,,,,,The streets have no names. The midnight train only goes to Georgia. Every stairway climb to heaven.. *this town is a wreck.

   Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Nickelback song in it.

   All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

   Warning labels on liquor bottles should also include: REGRET.

   My stripper name is: Hold On, My Thong Is On Backwards Again

   Sometimes only carbohydrates can help.

   Fall in love? Is that when you like the same pizza toppings as someone else?

   Before I got in a relationship I never even knew it was possible to breathe wrong.

   People who play tough on the Internet are my favorite losers.

   If hearts were made to be broken then so were faces.

   I’m bringing sexy back for a refund.

   I enjoy long walks away from responsibility.

   You should just get a discount if a cashier makes small talk.

   I am calmer than Johnny Depp in a casting audition for a Tim Burton film.

   Got kicked out of the gym for crying again

   *Voted most likely to cause others to say,, "oh here we go"

   I mixed up my toothpaste and Preparation H......now I'm talking $hit but on the bright side, my farts are minty fresh