Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

   I'm a licensed insultant

   If you don't think size matters, I'm giving you the smallest coffee mug.

   "Not sold in stores, available online only" just means "if you ever saw this in person, you'd never buy it."

   Sure sex is great but have you ever stared at your phone all day?

   This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

   Nobody plans on being the weird kid. It just happens.

   At my age being called adorable feels a lot like a challenge.

   "Wrong hole" is a matter of opinion

   A home invasion but it's just you staggering in drunk at 4AM because you can't find your keys

   some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can't even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

   If you say "Kanye" in the mirror three times, he appears, pushes you over and starts screaming his own name in the mirror.

   I wonder if Donald Trump's cell phone has comb-over minutes

   I couldn't help but notice everything wrong with you.

   I bet if cats could talk, they wouldn't.

   Has gone from eating pigs in blankets, to becoming a pig in a blanket ! 🐷🐽🐷🐽🐷🐽

   My mother in-law is letting me renovate her kitchen. My wife told me to get the cupboards from that Scandinavian company with the short name. Turns out it was IKEA not LEGO,

   I think these wireless headphones my wife gave me might be earmuffs.

   A cop pulled me over for weaving in traffic. He walked up to my window and asks, "You drinkin?" I said, "You buyin?" We laughed and laughed. Can somebody bail me out?

   The first fagget that mentions a Kardashian in 2016 is getting punched in the mouth.